The problem with these examples is that in their own way, each of these comings out reinforce "bad" bisexuality -- that it is trivial, a casual thing that women do for fun or to appeal to men, with no deeper bearing on one's identity or relationship to society. And this vapidity ultimately stems from a lack bisexual community and bisexual culture these celebs can tie into, raise awareness of. In theory, queer representation provides guidelines to live, something to aspire to -- and these celebs don't do that.
My question is, is it possible to create a guideline for how to be bisexual, in the way that I think there are guidelines for how to be a lesbian? Is there a *right* way to be bisexual? Bisexual identity is always in tension between the desire for freedom, fluidity, breaking boundaries, and the desire for stability and a coherent identity. I'm unsure if this can be resolved, but I think the answer begins with creating bisexual spaces and cultures that go beyond media consumption.
The flip side of this is that there are other beautiful white femme bi celebrities in relationships with men who provide a representation that is more authentic and meaningful, but not in a good way. I'm talking about Amber Heard, Evan Rachel Wood, Angelina Jolie, and other bi celebrities subject to horrifying domestic abuse by their male partners and biphobic attacks by the public writ large. These women are representations of the horrifying statistics about sexual violence against bi people and the widespread normalization of bimisogyny. And I think they are a large part of the current "bi moment" and have actually done a lot to catalyze the very discussions you call for in this post.
“My question is, is it possible to create a guideline for how to be bisexual, in the way that I think there are guidelines for how to be a lesbian? Is there a *right* way to be bisexual?”
I mean, I’m gonna have to say no; quite frankly I think the guidelines for how to be a lesbian cause more harm than good as well (they’ve certainly left me feeling alienated in WLW spaces!). The idea that there is a “right” way to embody your sexual identity is rooted in hetero ideas about proper behavior; I’m not interested in policing individual bisexuals (or anyone) or assessing whether or not they are doing bisexuality “correctly.” I’m interested in highlighting the way biphobia — which is largely rooted in a belief that bisexuality is fake, or a form of hypersexuality at best — harms bisexuals primarily but everyone broadly. Coming up with some bisexuality respectability guide feels like the opposite of that.
I’m not sure if this makes me terrible, but I find it annoying when women who are clearly married to men “come out” on social media as queer or bi. Usually happens on days or holidays related to the topic. Like maybe they are, but it feels like virtue signaling or just looking for content ideas when they’ve been publicly presenting as heterosexual and married or in a perfect relationship with a man.
I get where you're coming from, but I feel like the problem is less individual bi people — whatever their relationship status or personal — being open about being bi and more about the fact that we put *so much weight* on individual queers to... I have no idea what we're expecting, honestly. Like the very idea that IDing as queer in some way is signaling anything other than "this is who I am" is something I think is worth interrogating; why do we think that IDing as bi — which many women who are married to men are! — earns anyone any kind of cool points in the first place? And why are cool points the purpose of any of it to begin with?
If these married cis women make a public sex tape with another woman, that’s when I want to hear about it. 😂😂 Short of that, yes, as interesting as shoveling dirt—as you said.
I relate to this but this feels like the same line of thinking that keeps women in relationships with men in the closet and pushes bi women out of the queer community. The idea that talking about or even thinking about my desires was evil attention seeking behavior made me feel so terrible when I was dating men, and led to all sorts of repression that kept me not only from queer community but friendships with other women, period.
In today's social media age everyone's identity is a commodity to be marketed for attention and clout, and that's kind of unfortunate -- but why is it worse when femme bi women do it?
Thank you for this! Though I get the annoyance. Yeah, I did it because a) I had the privilege and safety to. I know not everyone does. and b) I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who aren't monosexual and open-minded and I'd seen the messages about "just because ou haven't _ doesn't mean you're not bi, and c) I'm a pretty open person, and use social media asort of a public journal. And I don't like hiding parts of myself that feel significant (but also see A - I'm not oblivious.)
I'm transparent. I'm emotionally open. I think it wears emotionally on me to NOT. There's definitely curation, I tried to avoid oversharing. Before i came out, ny bi guy friend called me a "hag" and it chafed. Because it wasn't true. There's d) my excessive need for external validation.
But I'm not trying to be cool. Ask Lux, I OWN what kids today are calling my cringe. I'm earnest AF. But it was liberating. I acknowledged my privilege in my posts. But realizing I was queer was still a big deal for me. I still cried in the process. And as someone else in my situation said, there's a different sense of community.
Ultimately, I believe in maximizing your joy when it doesn't harm someone. And it felt like unlocking a part of myself and I think that's worth celebrating. And some of the biggest support has come from queer people who've dealt with so, so, much more than I ever will.
I know. That’s why I prefaced it with “maybe I’m a terrible person.” I’m also a female bi woman, though that’s not part of my outward facing identity on social. Prob that’s why it triggers me.
The problem with these examples is that in their own way, each of these comings out reinforce "bad" bisexuality -- that it is trivial, a casual thing that women do for fun or to appeal to men, with no deeper bearing on one's identity or relationship to society. And this vapidity ultimately stems from a lack bisexual community and bisexual culture these celebs can tie into, raise awareness of. In theory, queer representation provides guidelines to live, something to aspire to -- and these celebs don't do that.
My question is, is it possible to create a guideline for how to be bisexual, in the way that I think there are guidelines for how to be a lesbian? Is there a *right* way to be bisexual? Bisexual identity is always in tension between the desire for freedom, fluidity, breaking boundaries, and the desire for stability and a coherent identity. I'm unsure if this can be resolved, but I think the answer begins with creating bisexual spaces and cultures that go beyond media consumption.
The flip side of this is that there are other beautiful white femme bi celebrities in relationships with men who provide a representation that is more authentic and meaningful, but not in a good way. I'm talking about Amber Heard, Evan Rachel Wood, Angelina Jolie, and other bi celebrities subject to horrifying domestic abuse by their male partners and biphobic attacks by the public writ large. These women are representations of the horrifying statistics about sexual violence against bi people and the widespread normalization of bimisogyny. And I think they are a large part of the current "bi moment" and have actually done a lot to catalyze the very discussions you call for in this post.
“My question is, is it possible to create a guideline for how to be bisexual, in the way that I think there are guidelines for how to be a lesbian? Is there a *right* way to be bisexual?”
I mean, I’m gonna have to say no; quite frankly I think the guidelines for how to be a lesbian cause more harm than good as well (they’ve certainly left me feeling alienated in WLW spaces!). The idea that there is a “right” way to embody your sexual identity is rooted in hetero ideas about proper behavior; I’m not interested in policing individual bisexuals (or anyone) or assessing whether or not they are doing bisexuality “correctly.” I’m interested in highlighting the way biphobia — which is largely rooted in a belief that bisexuality is fake, or a form of hypersexuality at best — harms bisexuals primarily but everyone broadly. Coming up with some bisexuality respectability guide feels like the opposite of that.
I’m not sure if this makes me terrible, but I find it annoying when women who are clearly married to men “come out” on social media as queer or bi. Usually happens on days or holidays related to the topic. Like maybe they are, but it feels like virtue signaling or just looking for content ideas when they’ve been publicly presenting as heterosexual and married or in a perfect relationship with a man.
I get where you're coming from, but I feel like the problem is less individual bi people — whatever their relationship status or personal — being open about being bi and more about the fact that we put *so much weight* on individual queers to... I have no idea what we're expecting, honestly. Like the very idea that IDing as queer in some way is signaling anything other than "this is who I am" is something I think is worth interrogating; why do we think that IDing as bi — which many women who are married to men are! — earns anyone any kind of cool points in the first place? And why are cool points the purpose of any of it to begin with?
Exactly. Yet that vibe is felt. Saw a woman do it today before I read your post and I was like CRINGE.
If these married cis women make a public sex tape with another woman, that’s when I want to hear about it. 😂😂 Short of that, yes, as interesting as shoveling dirt—as you said.
I relate to this but this feels like the same line of thinking that keeps women in relationships with men in the closet and pushes bi women out of the queer community. The idea that talking about or even thinking about my desires was evil attention seeking behavior made me feel so terrible when I was dating men, and led to all sorts of repression that kept me not only from queer community but friendships with other women, period.
In today's social media age everyone's identity is a commodity to be marketed for attention and clout, and that's kind of unfortunate -- but why is it worse when femme bi women do it?
Thank you for this! Though I get the annoyance. Yeah, I did it because a) I had the privilege and safety to. I know not everyone does. and b) I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who aren't monosexual and open-minded and I'd seen the messages about "just because ou haven't _ doesn't mean you're not bi, and c) I'm a pretty open person, and use social media asort of a public journal. And I don't like hiding parts of myself that feel significant (but also see A - I'm not oblivious.)
I'm transparent. I'm emotionally open. I think it wears emotionally on me to NOT. There's definitely curation, I tried to avoid oversharing. Before i came out, ny bi guy friend called me a "hag" and it chafed. Because it wasn't true. There's d) my excessive need for external validation.
But I'm not trying to be cool. Ask Lux, I OWN what kids today are calling my cringe. I'm earnest AF. But it was liberating. I acknowledged my privilege in my posts. But realizing I was queer was still a big deal for me. I still cried in the process. And as someone else in my situation said, there's a different sense of community.
Ultimately, I believe in maximizing your joy when it doesn't harm someone. And it felt like unlocking a part of myself and I think that's worth celebrating. And some of the biggest support has come from queer people who've dealt with so, so, much more than I ever will.
I know. That’s why I prefaced it with “maybe I’m a terrible person.” I’m also a female bi woman, though that’s not part of my outward facing identity on social. Prob that’s why it triggers me.