Famous White Woman Comes Out As Bi On TikTok
(Allegedly)
The other week, in an act of masochism professional due diligence, I signed myself up for Google alerts for “bisexual” and “bisexuality.” The results have been… pretty depressing, I’ll be real. First my inbox was flooded with headlines about “Daemon Targaryen, Bisexual King” on account of a deleted House of the Dragon scene that briefly — briefly! — featured Targaryen embracing a male servant. Then there was a flood of press for an SNL sketch in which Grimace and a bunch of other McDonaldland characters come out as bi (it’s so bad I’m not even going to link to it, the premise is literally, “It’s funny to hear McDonaldland characters say, ‘I’m bi, I like both’ ad nauseam.”). Now, apparently, the major bisexual news is a trend of famous women “coming out” via TikTok gags.
And you don’t have to take my word for it: Nylon even went so far as to do a roundup of the three big names who took to TikTok to reveal themselves as bi (sort of), breathlessly linking to clips from Shay Mitchell, Emily Ratajkowski, and Madonna. (Shay and Emily both showcased their green velvet couches in response to prompt asking bi women if they owned this particular piece of furniture; Madonna, on the other hand, participated in the “if I miss, I’m gay” challenge, and yes, she missed.) Perhaps by the time you are reading this, even more famous women will have revealed their bisexuality a la TikTok duet! What a trend!
There are a couple of ways to read this phenomenon, so I’m going to start with the most positive ones first. I suppose it is kind of cool that coming out as bi is so NBD, such a non-event* that it can be casually tossed out as part of a meme, as opposed to being a Big Event full of speeches and tears and mentions of religion or whatever. And while I wouldn’t exactly say I’m surprised that the woman who kissed Britney Spears during the 2003 VMAs, a woman who built her early career on queer culture, is, herself, part homo, if we accept as a given that Representation Matters™️, then it’s worth something to see Madonna move the subtext into text, to more directly address the thing that’s been lingering behind the scenes for decades.
But beyond that, my take gets significantly bleaker. Because honestly, who gives a shit? Are we really at the point where famous, feminine cis women (ones who are, more often than not, romantically attached to men) coming out as bi is some big story? After Cardi and Gaga and Meghan and Anna and Katie and Kyrsten and Abbi and Carrie and Alia and Amber and Angelina and Aubrey and Anne and Azealia and Bella and Carrie and Bjork and Elvira and Cynthia and Evan and Gina and — I mean honestly, the list goes on and on, people. (Quite literally — half these names I’m just pulling from Bi.org’s literal list of Famous Bi People.) At some point it just feels like shoveling dirt into a hole that never manages to become full: there’s no amount of bi celebrity TikTok memes that are actually going to solve biphobia.
Which is not to criticize these women, or say they’re doing anything wrong. If Emily Ratajkowski wants to josh around about her big bi green couch on her TikTok page, then I salute her; it’s her life, she’s allowed to express and talk about her sexuality however the fuck she wants. But the way it gets treated like it’s major news? The way it gets treated like this is a thing that actually matters, in a concrete, actionable terms? That’s what I find depressing.
I feel, sometimes, like representation is a distraction, like it keeps us from keying in to the work that we actually need to do. It feels a bit like a bizarre little game of Pokemon: collect all the out bi celebs and then… what? Collect some more**? We are simply skating along the surface, and never going deep, acting as though some critical mass of us is going to be enough to generate political engagement when… it’s not, it never is, come the fuck on.
And, I mean, look, that is why I’m writing this newsletter, right? Because there has to be something more than just the simple admission of bisexuality, you know? It’s nice to know that bisexuals are legion, but until we understand ourselves as part of a structurally oppressed class — not simply because we are queer, but because we are bi — and work together to dismantle monosexism (I have some suggestions here!), then it’s all just gonna be TikToks of green velvet couches and no meaningful change. No reduction in poverty levels, no reduction in our mental health crisis, no escape from the shockingly high levels of abuse and sexual assault that we face. Just pretty little TikToks papering over the pain.
* ::cough:: for a certain breed of white woman, one who is usually romantically linked with a man ::cough::
** I’m old enough to remember when there were only 150 Pokemon; I just googled “how many Pokemon are there” and was stunned to learn that it’s now apparently over 900, which proves my point here
The problem with these examples is that in their own way, each of these comings out reinforce "bad" bisexuality -- that it is trivial, a casual thing that women do for fun or to appeal to men, with no deeper bearing on one's identity or relationship to society. And this vapidity ultimately stems from a lack bisexual community and bisexual culture these celebs can tie into, raise awareness of. In theory, queer representation provides guidelines to live, something to aspire to -- and these celebs don't do that.
My question is, is it possible to create a guideline for how to be bisexual, in the way that I think there are guidelines for how to be a lesbian? Is there a *right* way to be bisexual? Bisexual identity is always in tension between the desire for freedom, fluidity, breaking boundaries, and the desire for stability and a coherent identity. I'm unsure if this can be resolved, but I think the answer begins with creating bisexual spaces and cultures that go beyond media consumption.
The flip side of this is that there are other beautiful white femme bi celebrities in relationships with men who provide a representation that is more authentic and meaningful, but not in a good way. I'm talking about Amber Heard, Evan Rachel Wood, Angelina Jolie, and other bi celebrities subject to horrifying domestic abuse by their male partners and biphobic attacks by the public writ large. These women are representations of the horrifying statistics about sexual violence against bi people and the widespread normalization of bimisogyny. And I think they are a large part of the current "bi moment" and have actually done a lot to catalyze the very discussions you call for in this post.
I’m not sure if this makes me terrible, but I find it annoying when women who are clearly married to men “come out” on social media as queer or bi. Usually happens on days or holidays related to the topic. Like maybe they are, but it feels like virtue signaling or just looking for content ideas when they’ve been publicly presenting as heterosexual and married or in a perfect relationship with a man.