I have always felt allied with gay culture and kink culture (though not committed to either) and I guess it’s just a feeling of being sexually non-normative (a lot of which is just being very horny.) The older I get, the more vehemently I believe that the patriarchal model of heterosexual relationships is toxic garbage and I am drawn to the idea of alternative models of how to have relationships and exist in the world in general. I also feel like I’ve become almost embarrassingly fag-haggy of late and a lot of it (I think) is that I relate more to how gay men approach relationships with men than the way straight women do (never been slut-shamed by gay men, either.) How queer I am on a scale of 1 to queer is debatable, although I usually describe myself “mostly straight and pretty annoyed about it.”
This is an interesting one since I'm one of those cishet people who feels more comfortable hanging out in queer spaces, specifically I spend a lot of time in transfemme spaces, but I'm pretty comfortable in my cis-woman-ness. I am definitely a gender nonconforming woman - I'm tall and broad shouldered and have been misgendered a fair few times throughout my life - but I've only been more sure that I'm cis as I've grown older.
That being said, I've also definitely embraced the "aromantic" label, which is a spectrum that also doesn't get talked about a lot. My ideal relationship doesn't look a lot like the standard het relationship we're presented in pop culture either. I don't know if that's enough to explain that particular kinship, but it's there.
I think there's something to be said for those of us who feel uncomfortable in our bodies or in our desires clustering together whether or not we find complete correspondence there. That being said I've also had a period of "Funny all my friends have ADHD and depression, whoops, turns out that's me too" so who knows, maybe I'll discover some other kind of gender identity in the next few decades that works better than "cis woman". For now though... enthusiastic ally is where you've got me.
Well this certainly rings true for me. I (a straight woman at the time) said to my therapist, “I don’t know why am I so drawn to films about gay men, especially tortured love stories, and why I feel so strongly about their oppression”, he ponders that maybe it’s because I express a similar sense of oppression from a difficult controlling father, which could be a fit, but as time passed, self-reflecting in the safe space, lo and behold, it is exactly as you describe, this deep seated (ally) feeling for the gay men was so clearly directly connected to my oppressed attraction to women - an attraction that I did not deny but was minimising and dismissing. Fascinating (but also sad) how we can so creatively subvert, yet at the same time hold onto our true nature, to survive a hostile environment.
One of my other deeply held beliefs is a lot of "fag hags" aren't actually straight women who are obsessed with gay men but (possibly closeted) bi women who feel anxious around lesbians and see gay men as an indirect avenue into queer community.
As a child, I used to proudly call myself a "fag hag." I think my first real introduction to this was watching Will and Grace. I thought that would be the dream: me, living with a gay man in the big city.
But I also leaned towards liking Jack moreso than Will.
Heh, I was also a twelve-year-old in the 1990s in a suburban/rural area of upstate NY and I found out femmes existed from a one-page article about hyperfeminine roller derby lesbians in Utne Reader. I am not kidding when I say that was transformative reading for me on the idea that gender presentation and sexuality were two separate concepts. I didn’t know it was allowed to be a queer girl and also like glitter and makeup. I think as a kid I thought flannel and short hair or hippie-feminine guitar player were the only options.
Joke’s on me because I’m happiest presenting quite masc anyway later in life, but it was still very freeing to find out I could decide for myself.
Not as a contradiction, but as an additional data point: I have known cishet people so alienated from their local straight culture that they have latched onto queer culture as a readily available alternative narrative. And I have known cis straight women so disgusted by dudebros that they just want an escape from menacing pursuit. These people have generally been a) white and b) younger. As they get more control over their lives, the “passionate” part of being an ally tends to moderate as they find themselves communities where they can see themselves represented in a more appealing way.
I remember being really upset and drawn to the Matthew Shepard case, even though I didn't understand what "gay" meant back then.
When I was 13, my mother rented the Rocky Horror DVD because she was surprised that we had never heard of "The Time Warp" (Which mother, how would adolescents know this in 2000?). I remember being really enthralled with Tim Curry. I hadn't had an understanding of men dressing as women, outside of for comedy (see Flip Wilson and Robin Williams).
I also had my first major crush on a gay boy (who is now bi, go figure), so seems like all the signs were there
Woo, that was interesting and thought-provoking, because of course as a cishet person I've interrogated myself on my identity multiple times, possibly because I have long resided in the kind of space where queer people abound. I've come to the conclusion that while I am none of the letters in the LGBTQIA acronym, I am definitely drawn to the non-conforming side of queer culture. My gender performance has always been patchy, and femininity has always felt like a territory where I didn't quite belong, mostly in terms of gender presentation but also in terms of body language and conforming to expectations. The queer community has long provided some form of come-as-you-are sanctuary and allowed me to explore sides of myself that I didn't feel comfortable showing in the straight world, for fear of looking and feeling inadequate. When some of my friends started to come out as non-binary, I wondered if I might be, too. The answer is: no. I'm a cis woman. Queer spaces allow me to redefine that identity for myself.
Mostly, though, I march in the parade because it's right. Queer people don't need me to fight their fight for them, but much as I like to have men in my corner when I fight for women's rights, I try to be there when queer people call for help.
This is so relatable to me. Also pretty femme, and I've always loved queer art, which not to say one can't be a fan of it -- and long thought I was a fan, but it's sort of a hindsight "Of course!" There's so much that makes sense in retrospect. (I also think I saw the other ways I was othered in the queer art too, if that tracks.)
I have always felt allied with gay culture and kink culture (though not committed to either) and I guess it’s just a feeling of being sexually non-normative (a lot of which is just being very horny.) The older I get, the more vehemently I believe that the patriarchal model of heterosexual relationships is toxic garbage and I am drawn to the idea of alternative models of how to have relationships and exist in the world in general. I also feel like I’ve become almost embarrassingly fag-haggy of late and a lot of it (I think) is that I relate more to how gay men approach relationships with men than the way straight women do (never been slut-shamed by gay men, either.) How queer I am on a scale of 1 to queer is debatable, although I usually describe myself “mostly straight and pretty annoyed about it.”
This is an interesting one since I'm one of those cishet people who feels more comfortable hanging out in queer spaces, specifically I spend a lot of time in transfemme spaces, but I'm pretty comfortable in my cis-woman-ness. I am definitely a gender nonconforming woman - I'm tall and broad shouldered and have been misgendered a fair few times throughout my life - but I've only been more sure that I'm cis as I've grown older.
That being said, I've also definitely embraced the "aromantic" label, which is a spectrum that also doesn't get talked about a lot. My ideal relationship doesn't look a lot like the standard het relationship we're presented in pop culture either. I don't know if that's enough to explain that particular kinship, but it's there.
I think there's something to be said for those of us who feel uncomfortable in our bodies or in our desires clustering together whether or not we find complete correspondence there. That being said I've also had a period of "Funny all my friends have ADHD and depression, whoops, turns out that's me too" so who knows, maybe I'll discover some other kind of gender identity in the next few decades that works better than "cis woman". For now though... enthusiastic ally is where you've got me.
Well this certainly rings true for me. I (a straight woman at the time) said to my therapist, “I don’t know why am I so drawn to films about gay men, especially tortured love stories, and why I feel so strongly about their oppression”, he ponders that maybe it’s because I express a similar sense of oppression from a difficult controlling father, which could be a fit, but as time passed, self-reflecting in the safe space, lo and behold, it is exactly as you describe, this deep seated (ally) feeling for the gay men was so clearly directly connected to my oppressed attraction to women - an attraction that I did not deny but was minimising and dismissing. Fascinating (but also sad) how we can so creatively subvert, yet at the same time hold onto our true nature, to survive a hostile environment.
One of my other deeply held beliefs is a lot of "fag hags" aren't actually straight women who are obsessed with gay men but (possibly closeted) bi women who feel anxious around lesbians and see gay men as an indirect avenue into queer community.
As a child, I used to proudly call myself a "fag hag." I think my first real introduction to this was watching Will and Grace. I thought that would be the dream: me, living with a gay man in the big city.
But I also leaned towards liking Jack moreso than Will.
A lot of really famous "fag hags" and gay icons are openly bi! Madonna, Lady Gaga, Margaret Cho... many such cases.
I knew I was bi -- and had to come out soon -- not long after my pan male friend said "You're such a good hag" and it chafed.
Heh, I was also a twelve-year-old in the 1990s in a suburban/rural area of upstate NY and I found out femmes existed from a one-page article about hyperfeminine roller derby lesbians in Utne Reader. I am not kidding when I say that was transformative reading for me on the idea that gender presentation and sexuality were two separate concepts. I didn’t know it was allowed to be a queer girl and also like glitter and makeup. I think as a kid I thought flannel and short hair or hippie-feminine guitar player were the only options.
Joke’s on me because I’m happiest presenting quite masc anyway later in life, but it was still very freeing to find out I could decide for myself.
Not as a contradiction, but as an additional data point: I have known cishet people so alienated from their local straight culture that they have latched onto queer culture as a readily available alternative narrative. And I have known cis straight women so disgusted by dudebros that they just want an escape from menacing pursuit. These people have generally been a) white and b) younger. As they get more control over their lives, the “passionate” part of being an ally tends to moderate as they find themselves communities where they can see themselves represented in a more appealing way.
I really appreciate the invitational nature of this post. I think cishet-identifying people need to hear more of that.
I remember being really upset and drawn to the Matthew Shepard case, even though I didn't understand what "gay" meant back then.
When I was 13, my mother rented the Rocky Horror DVD because she was surprised that we had never heard of "The Time Warp" (Which mother, how would adolescents know this in 2000?). I remember being really enthralled with Tim Curry. I hadn't had an understanding of men dressing as women, outside of for comedy (see Flip Wilson and Robin Williams).
I also had my first major crush on a gay boy (who is now bi, go figure), so seems like all the signs were there
Oh man…half the boys I had crushes on in high school later came out as gay. One of them is still one of my besties.
Woo, that was interesting and thought-provoking, because of course as a cishet person I've interrogated myself on my identity multiple times, possibly because I have long resided in the kind of space where queer people abound. I've come to the conclusion that while I am none of the letters in the LGBTQIA acronym, I am definitely drawn to the non-conforming side of queer culture. My gender performance has always been patchy, and femininity has always felt like a territory where I didn't quite belong, mostly in terms of gender presentation but also in terms of body language and conforming to expectations. The queer community has long provided some form of come-as-you-are sanctuary and allowed me to explore sides of myself that I didn't feel comfortable showing in the straight world, for fear of looking and feeling inadequate. When some of my friends started to come out as non-binary, I wondered if I might be, too. The answer is: no. I'm a cis woman. Queer spaces allow me to redefine that identity for myself.
Mostly, though, I march in the parade because it's right. Queer people don't need me to fight their fight for them, but much as I like to have men in my corner when I fight for women's rights, I try to be there when queer people call for help.
This is so relatable to me. Also pretty femme, and I've always loved queer art, which not to say one can't be a fan of it -- and long thought I was a fan, but it's sort of a hindsight "Of course!" There's so much that makes sense in retrospect. (I also think I saw the other ways I was othered in the queer art too, if that tracks.)