The person who's served by the bi respectability politic is, I think, bi women who have sincere capacity for feelings for other women. Sometimes it feels like in our desire to be inclusive and to "not police" we ignore the obvious, and in my world, the obvious is this: I know that for me, and for every single bi (not bicurious/heteroflexible) woman I know, there have absolutely been issues with being treated like an experiment or a sex accessory for a heterosexual pairing. It *definitely* influences the hesitation so many of us feel when it comes to hitting on another woman-- not the only factor (the major one, I think, is not wanting to be creepy), but a very substantive one.
I've had sex with someone for whom I was such an experiment (at a point where I had no need for experimentation myself) and it was underwhelming to the point of being traumatic. I've been roped in (by my sincerity and sincere attraction) to public spectacles of sapphism because someone's boyfriend thought I was hot and it was a complicated way of managing that aspect of the relationship. Whatever the confounding factors in these types of events, I would have been much better served if the default of bi women's experience had as little to do with men and heterosexuality as possible, and this sort of thing was the exception borne of occasional misunderstandings and bad luck rather than the norm of my early 20s bi journey. I love your writing and I love that you're bringing this up in terms of the specificity of being bi (rather than the usual lesbian complaints, though I find those quite valid tbh). But to me, there is no wonder why we now consider Katy Perry extremely gauche, even though I'm sure you're not alone in untangling this knot; this is not judgment of your past self, she was trying to figure all of this out just like the rest of us, but is to explain why I am perfectly fine with bi "respectability"-- call it what you like. This type of norm, of expectation, removes several layers of complication from a difficult, complicated situation: women wanting to express their sincere attraction to other women, because they are *attracted to women*.
Uhhhhh you seem to think that I don't have sincere capacity for feelings for other women, which is extremely far from true: I'm a homoromantic woman who was unable to understand the dimensions of her attraction to women *because bi respectability politics made me feel ashamed and like I had to be a fake bisexual because I was wrestling with the weight of a patriarchal society that rewarded me for pleasing men*. I don't think shaming people for sexual expression helps anyone; nor do I think creating some limited mode of "correct" bisexuality actually makes it easier for people to express their sexuality in a healthy way.
I'm aware -- I've read your other writings and I'm definitely a fan of your thoughts and your mission. I’ve thought for a long time we need dedicated spaces to bi people and I appreciate the chance to talk about this.
But what I'm saying is that *most* bi women would benefit from a norm of what you are calling "bi respectability" and I'd call "not being heteronormative in damaging ways that implicate other people and create an environment that makes being a bi female even harder/minimizing heteronormativity rather than capitulating to it." I realize that "fake bisexual" is a damaging trope as well and I feel for you, I've suffered from that perception too, but I don't observe it to be anywhere near as damaging, on the ground and in general, as bisexuality being gentrified by heterosexuality; my experiences (and the experiences of those I'm close to) of the former were alienating and my experiences of the latter were downright traumatic. (And also, frankly, *there are fake bisexuals out there*! Straight women get traumatized too when they're pressured to be bi to be that competitive and desirable ideal you allude to.)
It's no surprise to me, since the former is fueled by queer politics and the latter is fueled by the patriarchy. As much as the dysfunctions of the former may hurt, that hurt pales in comparison to what the latter can do.
If you're asking who is impacted by this, it's me and literally every other bi friend I have. Compassion for the party bis who got caught up in this is possible while lamenting the social dynamics at play here and the damage they cause. I *know* that having healthy norms of behavior, versus these unhealthy heteronormativity-fueled ones, would make it easier for me to express my sexuality. And I'm not so pessimistic or complacent as to think the male gaze is just "inescapable."
The person who's served by the bi respectability politic is, I think, bi women who have sincere capacity for feelings for other women. Sometimes it feels like in our desire to be inclusive and to "not police" we ignore the obvious, and in my world, the obvious is this: I know that for me, and for every single bi (not bicurious/heteroflexible) woman I know, there have absolutely been issues with being treated like an experiment or a sex accessory for a heterosexual pairing. It *definitely* influences the hesitation so many of us feel when it comes to hitting on another woman-- not the only factor (the major one, I think, is not wanting to be creepy), but a very substantive one.
I've had sex with someone for whom I was such an experiment (at a point where I had no need for experimentation myself) and it was underwhelming to the point of being traumatic. I've been roped in (by my sincerity and sincere attraction) to public spectacles of sapphism because someone's boyfriend thought I was hot and it was a complicated way of managing that aspect of the relationship. Whatever the confounding factors in these types of events, I would have been much better served if the default of bi women's experience had as little to do with men and heterosexuality as possible, and this sort of thing was the exception borne of occasional misunderstandings and bad luck rather than the norm of my early 20s bi journey. I love your writing and I love that you're bringing this up in terms of the specificity of being bi (rather than the usual lesbian complaints, though I find those quite valid tbh). But to me, there is no wonder why we now consider Katy Perry extremely gauche, even though I'm sure you're not alone in untangling this knot; this is not judgment of your past self, she was trying to figure all of this out just like the rest of us, but is to explain why I am perfectly fine with bi "respectability"-- call it what you like. This type of norm, of expectation, removes several layers of complication from a difficult, complicated situation: women wanting to express their sincere attraction to other women, because they are *attracted to women*.
Uhhhhh you seem to think that I don't have sincere capacity for feelings for other women, which is extremely far from true: I'm a homoromantic woman who was unable to understand the dimensions of her attraction to women *because bi respectability politics made me feel ashamed and like I had to be a fake bisexual because I was wrestling with the weight of a patriarchal society that rewarded me for pleasing men*. I don't think shaming people for sexual expression helps anyone; nor do I think creating some limited mode of "correct" bisexuality actually makes it easier for people to express their sexuality in a healthy way.
I'm aware -- I've read your other writings and I'm definitely a fan of your thoughts and your mission. I’ve thought for a long time we need dedicated spaces to bi people and I appreciate the chance to talk about this.
But what I'm saying is that *most* bi women would benefit from a norm of what you are calling "bi respectability" and I'd call "not being heteronormative in damaging ways that implicate other people and create an environment that makes being a bi female even harder/minimizing heteronormativity rather than capitulating to it." I realize that "fake bisexual" is a damaging trope as well and I feel for you, I've suffered from that perception too, but I don't observe it to be anywhere near as damaging, on the ground and in general, as bisexuality being gentrified by heterosexuality; my experiences (and the experiences of those I'm close to) of the former were alienating and my experiences of the latter were downright traumatic. (And also, frankly, *there are fake bisexuals out there*! Straight women get traumatized too when they're pressured to be bi to be that competitive and desirable ideal you allude to.)
It's no surprise to me, since the former is fueled by queer politics and the latter is fueled by the patriarchy. As much as the dysfunctions of the former may hurt, that hurt pales in comparison to what the latter can do.
If you're asking who is impacted by this, it's me and literally every other bi friend I have. Compassion for the party bis who got caught up in this is possible while lamenting the social dynamics at play here and the damage they cause. I *know* that having healthy norms of behavior, versus these unhealthy heteronormativity-fueled ones, would make it easier for me to express my sexuality. And I'm not so pessimistic or complacent as to think the male gaze is just "inescapable."