I had a comment under another post that you pushed back upon but this is basically what I meant. There are so few spaces that are welcoming and supportive for bi people (especially women) in relationships with different gender partners. I feel so bad in particular for bi women who are discovering their sexuality while in long-term relationships with men -- there is such a risk for abuse, I felt so alone when I was in that situation, and yet there is no support.
It occurred to me reading this that there's a parallel with straight trans women. I'm bi, but straight trans women have shared with me how they often feel like they're out of place or looked down on by other transfems because they aren't attracted to women. Unlike among cis people, the majority of trans women are bi, so attraction to men seems to be tolerated more than among cis lesbians, but there definitely still seems to be some devaluing of straight relationships..
That makes a lot of sense! A few months ago I was having a convo with a woman who’d gone from “gay man” to straight trans woman and she told me how she felt distant from queerness now in a way that was jarring; when she was in queer spaces she was very aware of her heterosexuality regardless of her gender identity.
Part of the problem is a lot of bi people have internalized biphobia and turn it onto others. From the bi ex boyfriend who objectified & feminized me, gloated about us having sex proving I wasn't a lesbian, and seemed determined to turn me straight to the bi nonbinary ex who complained that other bi women were secretly straight, I've encountered plenty of hurtful bimisogyny from other bi people.
well, it looks like i’ve been in the same kind of abusive relationship with a bi man than you. it’s the first time i’m reading something so similar, i’ve never thought before about it this way, but while reading your previous newsletters i was starting to realize how much the fact that i was bi was decisive in my past abuse. thank you for sharing
So I've found that if you go in seeking to celebrate your queerness, then people are more likely to want to hear all about my girlfriend because they want to know all about me. It's the people who go in needing them to know all about their het relationship because it's the center of their existence who are excluded. They seem unsafe. They'll always side with the het partner and allow them to cause harm.
The fact that your ex-boyfriend is bi did nothing to make your relationship queer. You could have been straight and still encouraged to participate in unwanted group sex. He could have still taunted you about sexual inadequacy in comparison to him as a bi man. You could access all services related to abuse victims as a cis female coming from a heterosexual abusive relationship.
Similarly, when you attended a queer event with him, although you both have reason to attend as queer people, that would be the place to maybe attend as part of a group of friends and not use it as a couple space.
But you know, he doesn't sound like the type of guy that was immersed in the queer community anyway. He sounds like he was the type of "heteroromantic" who only has sex with men but can't bring himself to date them. That's the red flag he gives me just from your description: plagued with internalized homophobia. And not because he's bi, but because the way he speaks about queer sex.
You learn as a queer person to pick those types out and dismiss them. Yes they might have homosexual attraction, but they're not queer in the sense people usually mean it.
You learn that by frequenting queer spaces, making friends with queer people, listening to queer elders and community therapeutic and wellbeing services. That involves leaving your partners at home sometimes and just working on you for a while.
Some people are threatened by people saying to focus on that side of being queer, and not always finding somewhere to have couple time with your partner. Your relationship isn't the most interesting thing about you
Uninformed, yet I'm the one who feels welcome in all Queer spaces, regardless of who I date. I'll go with being like me over whining on the internet that the Queers hate my het partner. But some people’s entire existence centers around their delusions of oppression so I won't take that away from you.
personally speaking, idgaf abt ur experiences being a white Model Queer man given that u do not have any capacity to respect other people’s experiences, but next time think twice before mansplaining a woman’s abuse to her
u have issues w reading comprehension,, i was talking abt her mentioning the abuse she handled at the hands of her partner that u downplayed & mansplained! now leave me alone i don’t need a useless white man w internalised biphobia telling me, a brown muslim bisexual woman, to get over myself lol get a job
Yet you're more concerned about having your boyfriend in queer spaces than racial or religious issues.
If internalized biphobia looks like decentering my heterosexual relationship.for my queer siblings, it is far preferable to whatever you have going on.
Leave your boyfriend at home, people will still find you valuable without a man.
I had a comment under another post that you pushed back upon but this is basically what I meant. There are so few spaces that are welcoming and supportive for bi people (especially women) in relationships with different gender partners. I feel so bad in particular for bi women who are discovering their sexuality while in long-term relationships with men -- there is such a risk for abuse, I felt so alone when I was in that situation, and yet there is no support.
It occurred to me reading this that there's a parallel with straight trans women. I'm bi, but straight trans women have shared with me how they often feel like they're out of place or looked down on by other transfems because they aren't attracted to women. Unlike among cis people, the majority of trans women are bi, so attraction to men seems to be tolerated more than among cis lesbians, but there definitely still seems to be some devaluing of straight relationships..
That makes a lot of sense! A few months ago I was having a convo with a woman who’d gone from “gay man” to straight trans woman and she told me how she felt distant from queerness now in a way that was jarring; when she was in queer spaces she was very aware of her heterosexuality regardless of her gender identity.
Part of the problem is a lot of bi people have internalized biphobia and turn it onto others. From the bi ex boyfriend who objectified & feminized me, gloated about us having sex proving I wasn't a lesbian, and seemed determined to turn me straight to the bi nonbinary ex who complained that other bi women were secretly straight, I've encountered plenty of hurtful bimisogyny from other bi people.
well, it looks like i’ve been in the same kind of abusive relationship with a bi man than you. it’s the first time i’m reading something so similar, i’ve never thought before about it this way, but while reading your previous newsletters i was starting to realize how much the fact that i was bi was decisive in my past abuse. thank you for sharing
I’m so sorry that you went through that as well, but at least we can both feel less alone.
So I've found that if you go in seeking to celebrate your queerness, then people are more likely to want to hear all about my girlfriend because they want to know all about me. It's the people who go in needing them to know all about their het relationship because it's the center of their existence who are excluded. They seem unsafe. They'll always side with the het partner and allow them to cause harm.
The fact that your ex-boyfriend is bi did nothing to make your relationship queer. You could have been straight and still encouraged to participate in unwanted group sex. He could have still taunted you about sexual inadequacy in comparison to him as a bi man. You could access all services related to abuse victims as a cis female coming from a heterosexual abusive relationship.
Similarly, when you attended a queer event with him, although you both have reason to attend as queer people, that would be the place to maybe attend as part of a group of friends and not use it as a couple space.
But you know, he doesn't sound like the type of guy that was immersed in the queer community anyway. He sounds like he was the type of "heteroromantic" who only has sex with men but can't bring himself to date them. That's the red flag he gives me just from your description: plagued with internalized homophobia. And not because he's bi, but because the way he speaks about queer sex.
You learn as a queer person to pick those types out and dismiss them. Yes they might have homosexual attraction, but they're not queer in the sense people usually mean it.
You learn that by frequenting queer spaces, making friends with queer people, listening to queer elders and community therapeutic and wellbeing services. That involves leaving your partners at home sometimes and just working on you for a while.
Some people are threatened by people saying to focus on that side of being queer, and not always finding somewhere to have couple time with your partner. Your relationship isn't the most interesting thing about you
this is such a thoughtless, uninformed and egregious comment i can’t believe you typed all that and thought it was a good idea to hit send
Uninformed, yet I'm the one who feels welcome in all Queer spaces, regardless of who I date. I'll go with being like me over whining on the internet that the Queers hate my het partner. But some people’s entire existence centers around their delusions of oppression so I won't take that away from you.
personally speaking, idgaf abt ur experiences being a white Model Queer man given that u do not have any capacity to respect other people’s experiences, but next time think twice before mansplaining a woman’s abuse to her
It's not abuse to be told not to center your het relationship in a queer space. Get the fuck over yourself.
Seriously if the heart of your oppression lies at being told to get out of here with your cishet boyfriend, you lived a blessed life
u have issues w reading comprehension,, i was talking abt her mentioning the abuse she handled at the hands of her partner that u downplayed & mansplained! now leave me alone i don’t need a useless white man w internalised biphobia telling me, a brown muslim bisexual woman, to get over myself lol get a job
Yet you're more concerned about having your boyfriend in queer spaces than racial or religious issues.
If internalized biphobia looks like decentering my heterosexual relationship.for my queer siblings, it is far preferable to whatever you have going on.
Leave your boyfriend at home, people will still find you valuable without a man.