Rules for bisexuals

Like, can you even have them?

So yesterday I waxed philosophic about being a lesbian; and more specifically why I don’t identify as bi lesbian despite being a woman with attractions to multiple genders who is exclusively interested in dating other women. You can read that piece if you haven’t already (that’s why I linked it!), but the takeaway is this: “lesbianism” is not merely the state of being a woman who is attracted to other women, it’s an entire culture and community and way of being that is associated with being a woman who is attracted to other women, and yet not exclusive to that (hence he/him lesbians, non-binary lesbians, and the like). “Lesbian” comes a whole entire set of rules and expectations, and it just so happens to be one that emphatically does not vibe with who I am. Which is fine!

But it does raise an obvious question. Because if the straights have a culture and rules of engagement, and the lesbians and gays do too, then what about the bisexuals? Is bisexual a culture? Can bisexual be a culture? And if so, what does it mean to be a bisexual?

I started thinking more about this after someone left a comment on my rant about Emily Ratajkowski’s TikTok “coming out” being treated as Serious Bisexual News™️.

My question is, is it possible to create a guideline for how to be bisexual, in the way that I think there are guidelines for how to be a lesbian? Is there a *right* way to be bisexual? Bisexual identity is always in tension between the desire for freedom, fluidity, breaking boundaries, and the desire for stability and a coherent identity. I'm unsure if this can be resolved, but I think the answer begins with creating bisexual spaces and cultures that go beyond media consumption.

Okay, real talk: my initial reaction to this question is to run screaming from the room and never, ever engage with it. But that’s not really helpful for anyone. So let’s go with my next reaction instead, and attempt to unpack it.

Is there a right way to be bisexual? I mean, it depends on who you ask. There are definitely people who will tell you that you’re not really bisexual unless you’ve dated — not just had sex with, but dated — people of multiple genders; and that if you’re a cis woman monogamously married to a man your bisexuality is automatically suspect (especially if you married that man before you realized you were bi!). There are those who will turn up their noses at the threesome seekers, and the poly bisexuals, even though threesomes and polyamory are hardly the exclusive domain of bisexuals. For some, the “right” way to be bisexual is to adhere to a respectability that the heteros might find legible (ah yes, you’ve had an equal number of boyfriends and girlfriends, I guess your bisexuality is all in order then); for others, the “right” way to be bisexual is to adhere to queerer norms. Either way, the people getting the shit end of the stick are, almost always, those cis bi women who’ve predominantly dated men, which is definitely something that gives me pause.

Can you create a bisexual space or culture? I mean certainly, some have tried! Bisexual networks* and conferences exist, and I’ve been told that San Francisco had a pretty happening bi scene around the time when Anything That Moves was a going concern. You can, if you wish, join your local chapter of amBi (or start one if no local one exists). For decades (the Bisexual Resource Center was founded in 1985!) an attempt has been made to unite the bis in some capacity, and it just does not seem to gain critical mass or any kind of permanent foothold. Jokes about sitting in chairs and cuffing jeans aside, there’s no uniquely bisexual identifier or cultural artifact, no bi equivalent of drag (even if drag performers may very well be bi!) or lesbian folk festivals.

But the question that remains for me in all of this is really: what would we gain? I can absolutely understand the benefit of bi networks and events, of having the opportunity to connect with other bi people and realize that you’re not alone, you’re not broken, and all the biphobia you feel like you must be exaggerating is actually, truly real. But a discrete bi culture? Rules for bisexuals? This is where I start to get lost.

The comment I reprinted noted that “bisexual identity is always in tension between the desire for freedom, fluidity, breaking boundaries, and the desire for stability and a coherent identity,” and I have to say I don’t think there’s really a tension, per se, because to be honest I don’t think “bisexual identity” is something that actually exists — certainly not in a stable and coherent form, anyway. If “bisexual identity” is anything, it is that desire for freedom, fluidity, and breaking boundaries; by its very nature, bisexuality is not a discrete, defined space, but a liminal one, and if you ask me, that is just fine.

Because when you really start to break it down, there isn’t a ton that unites all bisexuals. We’re not even united by the desire to exclusively date each other, as the straights and gays and lesbians often are. Some bisexuals are super queer, some are super straight, some are something else entirely; even as we’re defined by our plethora of attractions, the thing that really defines us is what we’re not — monosexual, predictable, bounded. And yes, that can be hard to unite around, and yes, that can mean that we often feel embarrassed by people who are ostensibly members of our community. But this idea that we can segment the world into the “good” bisexuals who represent us and “bad” ones who don’t — I think it costs us all far more than we actually want to admit.

I talk a lot about how there’s nothing more heterosexual than attempting to categorize people by their sexuality: if the heteros can’t force everyone to be straight, then they can at least force us to be legible. This is, perhaps, the true crime of the bisexuals: a chaotic rejection of categorization, a refusal to be accountable, a culture that is illegible at best.

To be bisexual is to break the rules; so why on earth would I want to create rules for being bisexual?

* Here’s the website for New York’s, I’m too lazy to look up others.