I could relate so hard to most of this. While nothing has changed about the contours of how I'm bi, my ideas and beliefs about relationships have. I expect more. I also VERY MUCH related to these words from the current post: "And for anyone who’s stuck where I am — too tired for casual sex, too picky and too much of a niche taste to easily land a partner..." My unwillingness to compromise who I am sexually, to not hide from my sometimes enjoyment of—gasp!—another penis, have narrowed the field of potential partners, not expanded it. It also doesn't help that I am a healthy, active 62 year old. Yep, when I see that number it is surprising. Women in their late 50's or early 60's that are down with an openly bi male...??? Niche would be correct.
Testify! Most of the time I feel okay about the inverse relationship between my acceptance of myself and the apparent corresponding lack of interested dating partners, but sometimes it bums me out. I am also aware my age could be a big factor as well. I'm still a horny, ethical, enthusiastic and healthy bi male...no one said life is always fair!!
"...so much of queer community, queer identity, is structured around queerness as an action, not simply an identity. One actualizes one’s queerness by dating, or at least fucking, someone of one’s own gender; and if you’re not doing that, well, are you sure you’re actually queer."
Damn. Cannot tell you how this hits. Important, thoughtful piece here. I love what you're doing and am going to recommend you on my on newsletter!
“And for anyone who’s stuck where I am — too tired for casual sex, too picky and too much of a niche taste to easily land a partner — well, how are we supposed to feel embodied in our queerness in a culture that continually tells us that we are nothing more than half-baked?”
There are also many many coupled ENM queer folks who want play and nothing more and that’s awesome but it’s hard to find ENM people who would also be open to real partnership or more than sex.
I get where you're coming from - I also didn't feel comfortable claiming bi-ness until I'd slept with more women than men, and I felt horribly invalidated while in an opposite-sex relationship with a man. And being single sucks for many reasons.
But I also disagree that queer culture invalidates people who aren't in relationships. So much of lesbian/sapphic culture romanticizes yearning and longing. The crush on the unavailable straight friend, the love made forbidden by homophobia, the lesbian who is too afraid to talk to girls - these are staples of queer media and online discourse. I almost feel like it's the opposite - queer culture is so centered around dating, and people in monogamous relationships disappear from the community. And this is one of the reasons why it's so hard for bi women with husbands to feel like they belong in the queer community.
Eh the 8 million posts I see on Lex from people who are in committed relationships and not looking to date suggests that people in monogamous relationships emphatically do not disappear, even from spaces ostensibly designed for dating.
From now on, I’m sexually identifying as “unlikeable.”
You're in good company
I could relate so hard to most of this. While nothing has changed about the contours of how I'm bi, my ideas and beliefs about relationships have. I expect more. I also VERY MUCH related to these words from the current post: "And for anyone who’s stuck where I am — too tired for casual sex, too picky and too much of a niche taste to easily land a partner..." My unwillingness to compromise who I am sexually, to not hide from my sometimes enjoyment of—gasp!—another penis, have narrowed the field of potential partners, not expanded it. It also doesn't help that I am a healthy, active 62 year old. Yep, when I see that number it is surprising. Women in their late 50's or early 60's that are down with an openly bi male...??? Niche would be correct.
Raises hand lol
Testify! Most of the time I feel okay about the inverse relationship between my acceptance of myself and the apparent corresponding lack of interested dating partners, but sometimes it bums me out. I am also aware my age could be a big factor as well. I'm still a horny, ethical, enthusiastic and healthy bi male...no one said life is always fair!!
Yes, I find the age thing tough too. I wish I could find more bi people my age who were dating in my area.
"...so much of queer community, queer identity, is structured around queerness as an action, not simply an identity. One actualizes one’s queerness by dating, or at least fucking, someone of one’s own gender; and if you’re not doing that, well, are you sure you’re actually queer."
Damn. Cannot tell you how this hits. Important, thoughtful piece here. I love what you're doing and am going to recommend you on my on newsletter!
Thanks!
This resonates very much for me too.
“And for anyone who’s stuck where I am — too tired for casual sex, too picky and too much of a niche taste to easily land a partner — well, how are we supposed to feel embodied in our queerness in a culture that continually tells us that we are nothing more than half-baked?”
There are also many many coupled ENM queer folks who want play and nothing more and that’s awesome but it’s hard to find ENM people who would also be open to real partnership or more than sex.
I get where you're coming from - I also didn't feel comfortable claiming bi-ness until I'd slept with more women than men, and I felt horribly invalidated while in an opposite-sex relationship with a man. And being single sucks for many reasons.
But I also disagree that queer culture invalidates people who aren't in relationships. So much of lesbian/sapphic culture romanticizes yearning and longing. The crush on the unavailable straight friend, the love made forbidden by homophobia, the lesbian who is too afraid to talk to girls - these are staples of queer media and online discourse. I almost feel like it's the opposite - queer culture is so centered around dating, and people in monogamous relationships disappear from the community. And this is one of the reasons why it's so hard for bi women with husbands to feel like they belong in the queer community.
Eh the 8 million posts I see on Lex from people who are in committed relationships and not looking to date suggests that people in monogamous relationships emphatically do not disappear, even from spaces ostensibly designed for dating.