Hi Lux. Writing while weathering the storm is powerful. To mix immediate loss and grief into the complicated soup that is sexual and gender identity is a demanding recipe.
I can relate with the ambiguous feelings around Pride. Yes, being who I am and having the desires I have has carried with it substantial shame at various times of my life. The moments when I feel mostly or completely free of sexual shame are joyous yes, intensely pleasurable for sure, juicy and naughty. But, no, I don't feel pride, per se. Maybe some modicum of satisfaction that the work I have put in examining, exploring and challenging the fearful, stultifying norms, sure, but pride? I don't think so.
I've been thinking about you a lot these past few weeks. We don't know each other, but as someone who lost a parent around this same time last year, I feel for you quite a bit. What you're articulating here is so real, especially the part about how the pressure to be proud as soon as you are out robs us of our ability to process all that being queer and being out means. I found the euphemisms people used for death, and particularly for grief ("celebration of life" in place of "memorial service" was the big one that comes to mind for me) very isolating. If you've had similar feelings, well, you're not alone ♥️
I'm so sorry to hear you've gone through this as well. I'm really lucky to have a supportive family and friends who've shown up in amazing and surprising ways, and it's still so hard. And yeah, totally get you on the language thing — I've found I'm really grateful that no one's said "rest in peace" to me, defaulting instead to things like "may his memory be a blessing," which I find much more comforting.
I have such a mixed relationship with being bi which is no doubt a bit of the nature of the thing itself as well as our times and places. Thanks for the very affirming read.
You write like a dream, Lux. This short piece took my breath away, more than once. Thank you.
Hi Lux. Writing while weathering the storm is powerful. To mix immediate loss and grief into the complicated soup that is sexual and gender identity is a demanding recipe.
I can relate with the ambiguous feelings around Pride. Yes, being who I am and having the desires I have has carried with it substantial shame at various times of my life. The moments when I feel mostly or completely free of sexual shame are joyous yes, intensely pleasurable for sure, juicy and naughty. But, no, I don't feel pride, per se. Maybe some modicum of satisfaction that the work I have put in examining, exploring and challenging the fearful, stultifying norms, sure, but pride? I don't think so.
So much this.
I've been thinking about you a lot these past few weeks. We don't know each other, but as someone who lost a parent around this same time last year, I feel for you quite a bit. What you're articulating here is so real, especially the part about how the pressure to be proud as soon as you are out robs us of our ability to process all that being queer and being out means. I found the euphemisms people used for death, and particularly for grief ("celebration of life" in place of "memorial service" was the big one that comes to mind for me) very isolating. If you've had similar feelings, well, you're not alone ♥️
I'm so sorry to hear you've gone through this as well. I'm really lucky to have a supportive family and friends who've shown up in amazing and surprising ways, and it's still so hard. And yeah, totally get you on the language thing — I've found I'm really grateful that no one's said "rest in peace" to me, defaulting instead to things like "may his memory be a blessing," which I find much more comforting.
I have such a mixed relationship with being bi which is no doubt a bit of the nature of the thing itself as well as our times and places. Thanks for the very affirming read.