I've written about this before myself. Romantically active FF women are indeed very rare, and also for what it's worth the process of dating women does tend to be more involved and complicated whether with a man or woman. When I match with a man we exchange like three messages and then go out and that's it; there are several additional layers with women, which several queer female partners have noted to me as well. It's not good or bad, and that up front ease with men has a cost on the back end where we are...you know, men, and allergic to talking about feelings and all that other stuff women often note/complain about. Everyone has to find their own peace with who we are and what we do with what we have in the end.
I suspect there is some femmephobia involved in this as well. Like if you're "femme" or have a femme aesthetic, then you can't possibly be queer. What?
Like there's a black lesbian comic I know who is very femme, and she often talks about how people don't think she's a lesbian because she's feminine.
Ah I sympathise with this. My observation of my skirt club experience (femme woman galore there) was that it was quite amazing to be in a room full of bi-women, and I had little trouble knowing who I was attracted to, but getting close enough to flirt with someone was tough, partly because I was competing with other (often very beautiful) femme women but also quite a few of the women used the stereotypical female friendship building tactics of buddying up in tight groups, exclusion and blanking of others to feel secure and get closer to who they wanted. So I had to work hard to even speak to someone I was attracted to, lovely as it was when I did succeed. It felt so much like being in a hierarchical school playground again! So although in that case I was in a room full of bi-women it didn’t feel like greater opportunity, just as difficult as attracting the few bi-women who are surrounded by admiring men. None of these situations are as easy as the default grove of heterosexual dating.
Yup, you've described my struggle! I would love to date women, but have very few options, whereas there's plenty of men who want to date me. Praying that more bi, femme women come out of the closet in the future and tip the statistics slightly more in my favor.
I've written about this before myself. Romantically active FF women are indeed very rare, and also for what it's worth the process of dating women does tend to be more involved and complicated whether with a man or woman. When I match with a man we exchange like three messages and then go out and that's it; there are several additional layers with women, which several queer female partners have noted to me as well. It's not good or bad, and that up front ease with men has a cost on the back end where we are...you know, men, and allergic to talking about feelings and all that other stuff women often note/complain about. Everyone has to find their own peace with who we are and what we do with what we have in the end.
Great post as usual!
I suspect there is some femmephobia involved in this as well. Like if you're "femme" or have a femme aesthetic, then you can't possibly be queer. What?
Like there's a black lesbian comic I know who is very femme, and she often talks about how people don't think she's a lesbian because she's feminine.
Ah I sympathise with this. My observation of my skirt club experience (femme woman galore there) was that it was quite amazing to be in a room full of bi-women, and I had little trouble knowing who I was attracted to, but getting close enough to flirt with someone was tough, partly because I was competing with other (often very beautiful) femme women but also quite a few of the women used the stereotypical female friendship building tactics of buddying up in tight groups, exclusion and blanking of others to feel secure and get closer to who they wanted. So I had to work hard to even speak to someone I was attracted to, lovely as it was when I did succeed. It felt so much like being in a hierarchical school playground again! So although in that case I was in a room full of bi-women it didn’t feel like greater opportunity, just as difficult as attracting the few bi-women who are surrounded by admiring men. None of these situations are as easy as the default grove of heterosexual dating.
So true. Well said.
Yup, you've described my struggle! I would love to date women, but have very few options, whereas there's plenty of men who want to date me. Praying that more bi, femme women come out of the closet in the future and tip the statistics slightly more in my favor.