interesting thread of comments here! for the alison brie story, i personally think that she was as unserious & playfully sarcastic abt the ‘yeah that’s why i’m bi too’ narrative as the person who tweeted it probably was. to me personally, it felt like sth she said to both be thankful of the tweeter but also used a ‘oh yea that’s Totally why i’m also a bisexual!’ tone, if that makes sense.
about the report, i totally agree w everything u said !!! “minority stress” seems to have become almost a lazy excuse to not dig deeper into exactly what mechanisms cause this stress for different groups of minorities as they don’t all deal w the same stressors!!
Really. Really? That bit about Alison Brie and how exhausting her being bisexual in that way is? I thought you were all about not auditioning for queer approval. So she came out in a light-hearted way and apparently wants a threesome with her husband and another woman. You are acting like that's the be-all, end-all of her bi-ness.
As a het-married bi, I can get that take on her in literally any other "queer-friendly" space on the internet. It's one thing for straight or monosexual people to conflate bisexuals and threesomes. That IS exhausting. It's another thing for a particular bi person to say she'd like a threesome. You're blaming her for how exhausted you are by the cultural narrative and that does not feel in keeping with what you generally describe wanting to do, here.
I enjoy your newsletter as one of the only places that I feel queer enough. Except, not today. Today I feel affirmed that, yup, anyone who knows or finds out I'm bi is going to roll their eyes, especially if I don't do "coming out" in a correct way that shows everyone I'm not "one of those" bi people.
Tone-policing bi-people coming out is maybe not a good look for a newsletter about accepting bisexuality in all its messiness.
I think there's some miscommunication here because my primary issue is Brie assuming that the person behind the tweet is a woman, not Brie wanting to have threesomes as part of her own bisexuality. She can do whatever the fuck she wants.
For my other comment, here's the Tl;dr - if your issue is really her assumption it was a woman instead of a man, maybe don't wrap that message up in such very biphobic packaging. It is hurtful.
My apologies if that's really your primary issue. The amount of space you devote to how it's "exhausting" that people think of bisexuality and threesomes, the biphobic meme, and the fact that it wasn't a think piece but her spontaneously responding to a tweet where no gender was listed by imagining it as being the gender she'd be most interested in did not give that impression. It gave the impression you were looking to justify criticizing her by finding something you could legitimately complain about, but were really mostly wanting to say, "She's not like us, c'mon, unicorn hunters, did you ever think it could be a man? You should've thought of that when you were coming out!"
I don't think you'd have less of problem with it if she said, "Well, if it's a woman" before she said the rest of what she had to say.
Maybe devote some time and energy to "Why women feel like saying they'd like a threesome with another woman" is an acceptable way to come out, how it satisfies both the insistence of "proof" that you're bi as well as stemming the fear that you're a devious cheater by showing you're not having a relationship your primary partner isn't involved in. That's a piece I would care about. Not a take that, again, I could find on any biphobic queer-friendly space there is out there.
I WAS absolutely with you on hoping she meant she'd have a threesome with her husband and a clone of herself, though.
Pretty sure this wasn’t actually her coming out, given that others have noted that she’s mentioned attraction to other women before. Which is also, as I’ve mentioned, an issue for me -- it’s tiresome that every joking mention of being bi is framed a A Coming Out™️ by the media. But that has nothing to do with Brie, much as I personally don’t enjoy her joke. 🤷🏻♀️
I got the idea it was her coming out from your article, apologies if I misread sarcasm.
That said, 1) joking about threesomes is still a safe way to legitimize your sexuality compared to other avenues, and that's an actually interesting thing you could get from this.
And 2) you are absolutely subsuming your supposed point about gender assumptions by how you wrote this one, because it comes across as a very typical, "look, another woman is playing bisexual, eyeroll" take. Perhaps look it over thinking of other articles you've read about people which use that take. Of course I assume no ill-intention, I respect and have benefited from your work. Which is why this one stood out as such a contrast.
I specifically say in the piece that I believe that she’s bisexual so I think you’re projecting a lot here. I get it’s a sensitive issue though; truly sorry to have come across as dismissing someone’s bisexuality which was not my intent.
i appreciate that. And I didn't say you don't believe her. I just want you to see how, as a bisexual woman in a het marriage, reading about another bi woman in a het marriage discussing her sexuality in close proximity to the words "pick me," "exhausting," and "unicorn hunting" comes across. "Wow. Even the woman who writes the awesome bi newsletter thinks those things. That's just... great. "
I accept your apology, I wouldn't have spent time writing about this if I didn't know you don't want to be hurtful or dismissive. Thanks for taking me seriously.
The alignment can be difficult to pull off for novices. Best of luck for the tweeter dude, if that's the story, though perhaps he'll arrive with some skill.
Maybe this is blindingly obvious but I wonder if there’s a marked difference between health outcomes for openly bi women versus bi women married to men (who are choosing not to be openly bi)
I guess they have their own kind of stress but less of the stress of isolation, discrimination, social stigma and more complex relationships?
interesting thread of comments here! for the alison brie story, i personally think that she was as unserious & playfully sarcastic abt the ‘yeah that’s why i’m bi too’ narrative as the person who tweeted it probably was. to me personally, it felt like sth she said to both be thankful of the tweeter but also used a ‘oh yea that’s Totally why i’m also a bisexual!’ tone, if that makes sense.
about the report, i totally agree w everything u said !!! “minority stress” seems to have become almost a lazy excuse to not dig deeper into exactly what mechanisms cause this stress for different groups of minorities as they don’t all deal w the same stressors!!
Public health research wants to be free https://drive.google.com/file/d/1tkqTMih0lCfkBTIQEmtwCVibvuVe_bpc/view?usp=drivesdk
Grazie
"Daisy chain! That'll learn ya!"
Really. Really? That bit about Alison Brie and how exhausting her being bisexual in that way is? I thought you were all about not auditioning for queer approval. So she came out in a light-hearted way and apparently wants a threesome with her husband and another woman. You are acting like that's the be-all, end-all of her bi-ness.
As a het-married bi, I can get that take on her in literally any other "queer-friendly" space on the internet. It's one thing for straight or monosexual people to conflate bisexuals and threesomes. That IS exhausting. It's another thing for a particular bi person to say she'd like a threesome. You're blaming her for how exhausted you are by the cultural narrative and that does not feel in keeping with what you generally describe wanting to do, here.
I enjoy your newsletter as one of the only places that I feel queer enough. Except, not today. Today I feel affirmed that, yup, anyone who knows or finds out I'm bi is going to roll their eyes, especially if I don't do "coming out" in a correct way that shows everyone I'm not "one of those" bi people.
Tone-policing bi-people coming out is maybe not a good look for a newsletter about accepting bisexuality in all its messiness.
I think there's some miscommunication here because my primary issue is Brie assuming that the person behind the tweet is a woman, not Brie wanting to have threesomes as part of her own bisexuality. She can do whatever the fuck she wants.
For my other comment, here's the Tl;dr - if your issue is really her assumption it was a woman instead of a man, maybe don't wrap that message up in such very biphobic packaging. It is hurtful.
My apologies if that's really your primary issue. The amount of space you devote to how it's "exhausting" that people think of bisexuality and threesomes, the biphobic meme, and the fact that it wasn't a think piece but her spontaneously responding to a tweet where no gender was listed by imagining it as being the gender she'd be most interested in did not give that impression. It gave the impression you were looking to justify criticizing her by finding something you could legitimately complain about, but were really mostly wanting to say, "She's not like us, c'mon, unicorn hunters, did you ever think it could be a man? You should've thought of that when you were coming out!"
I don't think you'd have less of problem with it if she said, "Well, if it's a woman" before she said the rest of what she had to say.
Maybe devote some time and energy to "Why women feel like saying they'd like a threesome with another woman" is an acceptable way to come out, how it satisfies both the insistence of "proof" that you're bi as well as stemming the fear that you're a devious cheater by showing you're not having a relationship your primary partner isn't involved in. That's a piece I would care about. Not a take that, again, I could find on any biphobic queer-friendly space there is out there.
I WAS absolutely with you on hoping she meant she'd have a threesome with her husband and a clone of herself, though.
Pretty sure this wasn’t actually her coming out, given that others have noted that she’s mentioned attraction to other women before. Which is also, as I’ve mentioned, an issue for me -- it’s tiresome that every joking mention of being bi is framed a A Coming Out™️ by the media. But that has nothing to do with Brie, much as I personally don’t enjoy her joke. 🤷🏻♀️
You're very much missing the point.
I got the idea it was her coming out from your article, apologies if I misread sarcasm.
That said, 1) joking about threesomes is still a safe way to legitimize your sexuality compared to other avenues, and that's an actually interesting thing you could get from this.
And 2) you are absolutely subsuming your supposed point about gender assumptions by how you wrote this one, because it comes across as a very typical, "look, another woman is playing bisexual, eyeroll" take. Perhaps look it over thinking of other articles you've read about people which use that take. Of course I assume no ill-intention, I respect and have benefited from your work. Which is why this one stood out as such a contrast.
I specifically say in the piece that I believe that she’s bisexual so I think you’re projecting a lot here. I get it’s a sensitive issue though; truly sorry to have come across as dismissing someone’s bisexuality which was not my intent.
i appreciate that. And I didn't say you don't believe her. I just want you to see how, as a bisexual woman in a het marriage, reading about another bi woman in a het marriage discussing her sexuality in close proximity to the words "pick me," "exhausting," and "unicorn hunting" comes across. "Wow. Even the woman who writes the awesome bi newsletter thinks those things. That's just... great. "
I accept your apology, I wouldn't have spent time writing about this if I didn't know you don't want to be hurtful or dismissive. Thanks for taking me seriously.
The alignment can be difficult to pull off for novices. Best of luck for the tweeter dude, if that's the story, though perhaps he'll arrive with some skill.
I had a sociology professor who cautioned us on studies. He said "Statistics are like bikinis, they show a lot but not the important stuff."
Maybe this is blindingly obvious but I wonder if there’s a marked difference between health outcomes for openly bi women versus bi women married to men (who are choosing not to be openly bi)
I guess they have their own kind of stress but less of the stress of isolation, discrimination, social stigma and more complex relationships?