I think there are several layers to be unpacked when people assume that dating someone from a marginalized sexuality is inherently better than dating a straight man. As you have elaborated (and thank you for sharing your story with us, and Iām sorry for the trauma that you are living with), bi men are not exempt from wielding the power that patriarchy confers on them as men and they even use their marginalisation as a cloak to excuse or disguise their abuses. I think there needs to also be a similar conversation around abuse in sapphic relationships ā I remember coming across a tiktok by a lesbian woman a while ago who talked about the excessive glorification of sapphic relationships on the internet which has led many women/nby ppl to believe that sapphic relationships are perfect and are unlikely to be abusive. the repercussions of that are often women in abusive sapphic relationships end up subconsciously denying that abuse or not recognising it as abuse because they have come to believe that is not a possibility. there were quite a few women in the comments section talking about their experiences and how they had to learn that abuse can happen in any relationship the hard way, and that recognising it in relationships that are different from straight man/straight woman can be difficult.
Yeah that hits the nail on the head. Valorizing bi men is just one facet of queer romanticism and is certainly not unique to them. On the whole I think relationships with bi men are romanticized far less than others, the default narrative is the biphobic one that they are unsuitable partners.
I'm interested in bi identity in part because I like the idea that everyone (including straight people) has something to learn from queer relationships because they are better in some way. But this is clearly not always true in reality, and I'm also put off by the idea common in queer politics that doing personal/romantic relationships the Right Way is the crux to transforming society for the better.
This really hit me in a place. One of the most egregious fuckboys I ever dated claimed to be bi, which gave me an internalized suspicion of bi men for years. Of course, I say āclaimedā because I have no evidence that he actually had sexual encounters with (or even desire for) men and wasnāt just loudly performing queerness just because, in the scene we were in, it made him cooler, edgier, more popular with women and allowed him to claim a marginalization that gave him a pass on asshole behavior. Re-examining that relationship now, Iām hesitant to even consider him bi and not just āfake gay,āwhich then leads back to the whole āis this person really queer or just faking it for attention?ā can of worms that is the crux of biphobia to begin with. PROBLEMATIC!
> I do not trust menās bisexuality to counteract their maleness, I do not trust bi men to automatically be better.
I think this is the crux of it. I've had extremely similar experiences and relate to this post a lot. Most of the men I have dated were bi, which did not in any way keep them from being shitty. As someone attracted to femmes of all genders, I conflated sexuality with gender and found bi men attractive on the assumption that they would automatically be more feminine and fruity and sensitive, but that has not been my experience with them in practice. One bi ex was obsessed with his own masculinity, in a way that was kind of homoerotic but also fed into his narcissism and controlling tendencies.
I think there are several layers to be unpacked when people assume that dating someone from a marginalized sexuality is inherently better than dating a straight man. As you have elaborated (and thank you for sharing your story with us, and Iām sorry for the trauma that you are living with), bi men are not exempt from wielding the power that patriarchy confers on them as men and they even use their marginalisation as a cloak to excuse or disguise their abuses. I think there needs to also be a similar conversation around abuse in sapphic relationships ā I remember coming across a tiktok by a lesbian woman a while ago who talked about the excessive glorification of sapphic relationships on the internet which has led many women/nby ppl to believe that sapphic relationships are perfect and are unlikely to be abusive. the repercussions of that are often women in abusive sapphic relationships end up subconsciously denying that abuse or not recognising it as abuse because they have come to believe that is not a possibility. there were quite a few women in the comments section talking about their experiences and how they had to learn that abuse can happen in any relationship the hard way, and that recognising it in relationships that are different from straight man/straight woman can be difficult.
Yeah that hits the nail on the head. Valorizing bi men is just one facet of queer romanticism and is certainly not unique to them. On the whole I think relationships with bi men are romanticized far less than others, the default narrative is the biphobic one that they are unsuitable partners.
I'm interested in bi identity in part because I like the idea that everyone (including straight people) has something to learn from queer relationships because they are better in some way. But this is clearly not always true in reality, and I'm also put off by the idea common in queer politics that doing personal/romantic relationships the Right Way is the crux to transforming society for the better.
This really hit me in a place. One of the most egregious fuckboys I ever dated claimed to be bi, which gave me an internalized suspicion of bi men for years. Of course, I say āclaimedā because I have no evidence that he actually had sexual encounters with (or even desire for) men and wasnāt just loudly performing queerness just because, in the scene we were in, it made him cooler, edgier, more popular with women and allowed him to claim a marginalization that gave him a pass on asshole behavior. Re-examining that relationship now, Iām hesitant to even consider him bi and not just āfake gay,āwhich then leads back to the whole āis this person really queer or just faking it for attention?ā can of worms that is the crux of biphobia to begin with. PROBLEMATIC!
Yeah this is why I can't build my politics around individual people, many of whom are terrible, lol.
Thanks for writing this!
> I do not trust menās bisexuality to counteract their maleness, I do not trust bi men to automatically be better.
I think this is the crux of it. I've had extremely similar experiences and relate to this post a lot. Most of the men I have dated were bi, which did not in any way keep them from being shitty. As someone attracted to femmes of all genders, I conflated sexuality with gender and found bi men attractive on the assumption that they would automatically be more feminine and fruity and sensitive, but that has not been my experience with them in practice. One bi ex was obsessed with his own masculinity, in a way that was kind of homoerotic but also fed into his narcissism and controlling tendencies.