What is a bisexual?

Inquiring scientists want to know!

I feel like I need to begin this newsletter with a personal disclosure: I am the daughter of two scientists. They’re both retired now, but for many years my mother worked as a biochemist (and specifically a virologist/HIV researcher) and my father worked as a biophysicist. So generally speaking, I am a fan of science. At a bare minimum, it’s the thing that kept me clothed and fed, that paid to keep the lights on, all throughout my childhood.

But on the other hand, being the daughter of two scientists means that I am intimately aware that scientists are, you know, people. Flawed humans. Biased humans. Humans whose analyses cannot necessarily be trusted. My mother has a story about how one of her labmates tampered with her gel electrophoresis plates (or whatever the terminology is, I’m the daughter of scientists, not a scientist myself) in order to fake more exciting results.

So as much as I love science, I also take it with a grain of salt. Especially when it comes to science that seeks to verify (or dispute!) people’s stated sexual identities.

I’m thinking about this because of a truly terrible Business Insider piece from last Friday with the headline “10 qualities that bisexual people find attractive, according to science.” I’m linking to it partly for receipts and partly just to be a good netizen, but I do not recommend clicking on the link, it is simply not worth it. Although the byline insists the piece was not just written by an actual human being, but edited by one too, it has the feel of something cobbled together by ChatGPT, just gibberish strung together one sentence at a time, with no real attempt at comprehension, just good grammar and syntax. A real “colorless green ideas sleep furiously,” if you will. (Shout out to Avery Trufelman for introducing me to that concept.)

I mean, you mean to tell me that millions of bisexuals, of a variety of genders and backgrounds, are all attracted to the same kinds of qualities, purely by virtue of the fact that we’re united by being attracted to more than one gender? Really? You think that hypothesis holds water, and that science can prove it? I mean, I know we’ve all been numbed by the endless parade of breathless “What men want from women!!!” and “What women desire in their husbands!!!!” articles (which, in case you need to hear this, are also baseless and stupid), but writing one of those posts with “bisexuals” as the unified category truly gives up the game. The piece itself seems to recognize that at one point: despite promising that “science” has “proven” what bisexuals want, many of the points ultimately admit that there is not actual science behind the statements that are being made and they’re just kinda taking a shot in the dark.

And look. I know this piece itself is just clickbait garbage (please don’t click the link) and that I fell for it, and that the joke is on me. Trust me, I know that. But the thing is, when it comes to bisexuality, science has a pretty uninspiring track record.

I’m not talking about research papers that look at bisexuals as a demographic group in order to better understand our access to resources and general well being. Those are fine. I’m talking about the fact that within my adult life, scientists were hooking up sensors to people’s genitals in order to “prove” that bisexuality “exists.” They may still be doing that even, I don’t know, I don’t follow this stuff super closely (but maybe I should).

And the thing is, I’m not opposed to genital arousal research, I think that there are many worthwhile reasons to hook people’s genitals up to sensors and see what happens. But when the question becomes “can we prove that the bisexuals are lying to us… through science” I think many of us can agree that the researchers have lost the plot. Like… what is the purpose of that research? Am I supposed to just stop fucking a person I like having sex with because the science now tells me that I’m actually only attracted to one gender? If bisexuals are “lying” (or, as some research has claimed, straight women and lesbians are lying about not being bi) then what are we to make of all the people who are — judging by their behavior, at least — quite happily bi?

It’s just kinda dumb, you know, this desire to “scientifically” quantify bisexuality. This desire to quantify anyone’s sexual identity, really. Peeps we’re all just overly brainy apes on a rock that’s hurtling through space rubbing our genitals on things that make them feel good. Sometimes the things we rub our genitals on come in multiple genders. Sometimes they don’t. It isn’t much deeper than that.

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