> It would be great if we could recognize that bisexuals have a unique experience of relationships, one that is inherently inseparable from our bisexuality.
So much agreement with this. I may be a statistical outlier, as a bi male married to an AFAB bi person, but we definitely agree that our relation is completely different than it would be if either of us were straight. Would be interesting to see research that centred bi couples.
So much to think about here! As a bi person in a different gender marriage (with someone who's been my life partner since late college), I came to fully realize I was bi in my late 20s and early 30s, and it completely changed my relationship to my partner. I spent my entire 20s trying to fit into the mold of a hetero person in a hetero relationship. You will not be surprised to find out I'm still trying to undo the emotional damage from that time (and from earlier religious upbringings). And it turns out both of us are happier outside of that mold. In some ways we always knew that...but when your only relationship models are straight...all you know is that you don't fit into that!
Wow, this kind of blows it all out of the water, and feels absolutely right to me. As someone who was in a different gender marriage and is now divorced, yes, yes, yes. Also, I do wish people would stop thinking of it as a switch on and off, because you're right, bisexuality is it's own totally unique sexuality, state of mind, and way of being in the world. I will go check out the article.
Thank you!
Also, this got me:
"I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty of why this might be the case (though if you’re interested in that discussion, please read the linked paper cause they run through many possible explanations). But I do want to use this as a jumping off point for a related conversation that I have been thinking about ever since I started thinking seriously about bisexuality and biphobia, and it’s this: the fundamental problem with this idea that bisexuals are able to recede into heterosexuality, to functionally become straight, is that our straight partners do not treat us the way they treat straight people."
Yeah seeing that paper really exploded my brain, which... happens pretty much every time I discover new research about bisexuality. It's just a completely different experience, and people do not understand that at all.
I mean this whole newsletter started in part because no one wanted to buy my book proposal about bisexuality, and I was frustrated, ha. But I think the stuff I've learned since starting the newsletter has made anything I would write even stronger, and hopefully as the audience for this project grows publishers will be more interested in backing a book!
>And straight women don’t have the same degree of suspicion about straight men’s masculinity, the same paranoia that they’re not actually into women that they assess bi men with.
You can say this 1000 times and it wouldn't get old. Having to fend off 'is he really gay?' questions is the worst part of being a bi guy.
How does the marriage health study break down by gender? My understanding is that across the board, married women's health outcomes are worse than single women while married men's heath outcomes are better than single men. Given that bi women are far more likely to be out than bi men (and might be overrepresented in the study), is this actually a bi-specific phenomenon or just part of the way marriage privileges men more generally?
It does confirm my priors (based on dating app profiles) that bi women married to men, especially those who didn't spend time in the LGBT community or date other genders before marriage, are particularly miserable.
Largely agree but I think where the accusations of privilege are coming from has to do with people's relationships with their families. Bi people in different-gender marriages don't have to ever come out to their parents or work colleagues, and can avoid the trauma of being rejected by their biological families for their sexualities as well as the hassle of being pestered about getting married that people who aren't out to their families (including bi people in other types of relationships) get. Of course, the closet isn't a privilege and married bi people suffer in plenty of other ways as this post gets into, but there are material financial and social advantages to not getting cut off by your family. So I can see why monosexual queers with family trauma would be resentful.
> It would be great if we could recognize that bisexuals have a unique experience of relationships, one that is inherently inseparable from our bisexuality.
So much agreement with this. I may be a statistical outlier, as a bi male married to an AFAB bi person, but we definitely agree that our relation is completely different than it would be if either of us were straight. Would be interesting to see research that centred bi couples.
So much to think about here! As a bi person in a different gender marriage (with someone who's been my life partner since late college), I came to fully realize I was bi in my late 20s and early 30s, and it completely changed my relationship to my partner. I spent my entire 20s trying to fit into the mold of a hetero person in a hetero relationship. You will not be surprised to find out I'm still trying to undo the emotional damage from that time (and from earlier religious upbringings). And it turns out both of us are happier outside of that mold. In some ways we always knew that...but when your only relationship models are straight...all you know is that you don't fit into that!
you put words on things i had a hard time articulate for years, thank you
Wow, this kind of blows it all out of the water, and feels absolutely right to me. As someone who was in a different gender marriage and is now divorced, yes, yes, yes. Also, I do wish people would stop thinking of it as a switch on and off, because you're right, bisexuality is it's own totally unique sexuality, state of mind, and way of being in the world. I will go check out the article.
Thank you!
Also, this got me:
"I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty of why this might be the case (though if you’re interested in that discussion, please read the linked paper cause they run through many possible explanations). But I do want to use this as a jumping off point for a related conversation that I have been thinking about ever since I started thinking seriously about bisexuality and biphobia, and it’s this: the fundamental problem with this idea that bisexuals are able to recede into heterosexuality, to functionally become straight, is that our straight partners do not treat us the way they treat straight people."
Yeah seeing that paper really exploded my brain, which... happens pretty much every time I discover new research about bisexuality. It's just a completely different experience, and people do not understand that at all.
Are you going to write a book? Because that would be wonderful and I think we need it.
I mean this whole newsletter started in part because no one wanted to buy my book proposal about bisexuality, and I was frustrated, ha. But I think the stuff I've learned since starting the newsletter has made anything I would write even stronger, and hopefully as the audience for this project grows publishers will be more interested in backing a book!
Well publishing is very dumb some times, but I would love to read that book and think there's not really anything like your newsletter.
Thank you very much! I wholeheartedly agree, ha.
>And straight women don’t have the same degree of suspicion about straight men’s masculinity, the same paranoia that they’re not actually into women that they assess bi men with.
You can say this 1000 times and it wouldn't get old. Having to fend off 'is he really gay?' questions is the worst part of being a bi guy.
How does the marriage health study break down by gender? My understanding is that across the board, married women's health outcomes are worse than single women while married men's heath outcomes are better than single men. Given that bi women are far more likely to be out than bi men (and might be overrepresented in the study), is this actually a bi-specific phenomenon or just part of the way marriage privileges men more generally?
It does confirm my priors (based on dating app profiles) that bi women married to men, especially those who didn't spend time in the LGBT community or date other genders before marriage, are particularly miserable.
Hm the study doesn't find a gender difference but the sample pool for bisexuals is mostly women and I feel like this could probably use better study.
Largely agree but I think where the accusations of privilege are coming from has to do with people's relationships with their families. Bi people in different-gender marriages don't have to ever come out to their parents or work colleagues, and can avoid the trauma of being rejected by their biological families for their sexualities as well as the hassle of being pestered about getting married that people who aren't out to their families (including bi people in other types of relationships) get. Of course, the closet isn't a privilege and married bi people suffer in plenty of other ways as this post gets into, but there are material financial and social advantages to not getting cut off by your family. So I can see why monosexual queers with family trauma would be resentful.