The Lonely Biland

Or, bisexual art redux.

For several years now, I have had a sneaking suspicion that at least one member of The Lonely Island — the comedy trio made up of Andy Samberg, Jorma Taccone, and Akiva Schaffer — is bisexual. Maybe even more than one! And I have to admit, once the thought occurred to me, it was hard to let it go.

Now, before we go any further, I want to be very clear about something. My curiosity about the sexual identities of The Lonely Island crew has absolutely nothing to do with prurient interest in their personal lives. I could care less about who these guys are dating or fucking — as far as I know, they’re all married to women, and the only Lonely Wife I know the name of is Joanna Newsom, and that’s purely because the fact that Andy Samberg is married to Joanna Newsom is, well, it’s just the kind of thing you don’t forget. What they get up to in their bedrooms or hotel rooms or seedy bar bathrooms is absolutely none of my business. So when I say I think they might be bi, it’s not because I care about their sexual antics.

No the reason why my head canon tells me that they’re actually The Lonely Biland — the reason why I would love it if one of these men eventually came out, ideally in the most casual, NBD way possible, as bi — is because there’s a sensibility running through their oeuvre that’s just so, well, bisexual. There’s a lampooning of traditional masculinity and celebration of male intimacy and skewering of homophobia that, well, it just doesn’t feel totally straight. And it’s not just one music video, or one sketch: this is an entire thread that runs through their whole history of making work together. And a part of me just thinks that, you know, you don’t keep going back to that same well over and over and over again unless there’s something there that feels important to you.

Let’s examine some of the evidence, shall we?

I first became aware of The Lonely Island back in 2005, right before they joined the SNL team (just to date myself even further: I think I learned about them from a link on a friend’s LiveJournal). I devoured all their Channel 101 stuff, which was pretty amazing and still lives in my head (Just 2 Guyz! The Bing Bong Brothers!), but none of it is immediately jumping out to me as super bi feeling (which isn’t to say that none of it was, just that it’s not coming to mind). For that first glimpse of Lonely Biland flair, we need to fast forward to 2007, when “Roy Rules!” debuted as an SNL Digital Short.

It’s hard for me to express how much I love this video (which is, according to Samberg, an actual tribute to his actual brother-in-law). The way Samberg commits to the bit of aggressively sexualizing his staid, rather ordinary brother-in-law, his sheer enthusiasm for talking about the perceived sexual delights of Roy — I dunno, man, it’s just so good. When I first watched it, I was struck by the way that it seemed to play with homophobic tropes — certainly it would be hard to imagine it being as funny if Samberg was singing about his sister-in-law, or if a woman were singing about Roy — while also gleefully embracing queerness. Yes, it’s funny that Samberg (presumably a straight man) wants to do gay sex, and yet at the same time it never feels like Samberg is saying that being gay is in anyway gross (at most it’s supposed to be funny that he’s been whipped into such a fervor by a man who is, by all accounts, perfectly ordinary).

And you know, if it had just been “Roy Rules!” it might have felt like a one off, a silly little gag that some straight boys put together to be silly.

But like I said: they keep going back to this well. The next big moment worth considering is “3-Way (The Golden Rule),” which I believe is the third installment of Samberg and Justin Timberlake’s SNL collaboration as the Dick in a Box guys (“Dick in a Box” and “Motherlover” being the first two).

As the name implies, “3-Way” is about, yes, threeways, and specifically the MMF kind. The “golden rule” also mentioned in the title? “It’s not gay if you’re in a threeway.” Do I really have to say more?

Because I can say more: let’s take a look at one more SNL Digital Short: “Spring Break Anthem.”

Officially, this sketch is supposed to be contrasting the wholesomeness of the marriage rights sought by queer people with the absolutely depraved debauchery of young hetero men — you know, to make a whole “who’s really destroying the institution of marriage?” comparison. But can you forgive me if seeing a bunch of dudes sing, “Crushing pussy, MARRY A MAN!” comes across as an anthem to homoromantic bisexuality, where women might be fun to fuck but it’s men with whom your adoration truly lies?

Also, as I was writing this, I just remembered the existence of “No Homo,” a song off the album Turtleneck and Chain in which the boys keeping tossing off casual “no homo”s against a backdrop of increasingly graphic suggestions for incredibly gay activities. Sure, they’re just joshing about the silliness of “no homo,” but also… you want me to believe that three straight men were really able to write that song, that they just randomly thought up all that graphic gay sex stuff?

I guess what I’m saying here is that there are only so many times that you can pull the, “Wouldn’t it be so funny if we kissed? I mean, as a joke? … unless…” bit and have me think you are 100%, completely, totally straight. (Should also note here that at least one man was inspired to come out as bi because of comedy bits like “Spring Break Anthem” — so truly, I’m not the only one seeing something here!)

I should probably wrap this up now, lest it devolve into me just spamming you with Lonely Island videos well after I’ve made my point. So let’s conclude with a nod to Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping, The Lonely Island’s 2016 mockumentary about an empty headed pop star named Conner4Real who ultimately realizes that the male friends he abandoned once he became famous are his one truly meaningful relationship — again, a nod to male friendship and intimacy, but also maybe … more? Popstar features a number of Conner4Real’s music performances and music videos, all of which are absolutely ludicrous (“Finest Girl” about a girl who wants to be fucked “harder than military fucked bin Laden” is the most memorable, there’s also this deleted scene where Conner4Real sings about telling your parents to fuck off).

And then, of course, there’s the parody of Macklemore’s “Same Love.”

Look, maybe you disagree, but personally? I just do not think a heterosexual could make that.

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