Okay, first things first:
Remember when I asked if you wanted to start a book club back on… Wednesday? Well, as an impulsive person who leaps before she looks, I went ahead and overhauled my long neglected Patreon and turned it into the official B+ Squad Book Club! 🎉🎉🎉!
Here’s how it works: Every month, starting on December 1, I’ll announce a bit of bi-themed reading material for the month (spoiler alert: the first pick is going to be the first ever issue of Anything That Moves). I plan to mix things up a bit and include a range of writing: personal essays, critical theory, and maybe even some fiction; my hope is to primarily focus on writing that’s freely available online, in order to make the book club as accessible as possible. Everything I recommend will be something I personally think moves the conversation on bisexuality forward: just like with this newsletter, I’ll be avoiding the corny shit, the cringe inducing whining, all the stuff that people assume bi writing is (most of it isn’t actually that!).
Patrons will get access to a couple of things: at every level, you’ll get to read at least one essay by me about some aspect of the reading I’ve assigned. If you join at the $5 level or higher, you’ll also get access to a community discussion about the reading material; at $15 or more, I’ll invite you to a monthly Zoom chat where we can discuss the readings. At $50/month, you’ll get all that plus a shout out in this very newsletter. Already sold? Join here.
Why you should join: Some of you may already be convinced that this is a good deal (and I appreciate you for that!). But if you’re on the fence, here’s some additional stuff worth considering.
I started this newsletter because I was frustrated by a relative lack of thoughtful, quality writing about the bi experience; more than that, I was frustrated by the fact that none of the publications I write for wanted to pay me to cover this topic (not even during Bi Awareness Week!). Initially, I was considering the possibility of eventually charging for this newsletter, but I’ve decided against that (partly because I don’t want to give Substack money, and partly because charging for this newsletter just doesn’t feel right to me). But if this newsletter feels like something you would pay for, if you want to help compensate me for the time I put into this project, then join the book club. You never have to do book club stuff! It’s a just a way of supporting the larger project of improving the quality of discussion around bisexuality.
Secondly — and I’m going to be real here — although I am generally what one might consider a successful and accomplished media freelancer, the past year has been a pretty rough one for me work wise. Being able to rely on Patreon for a stable source of income would be pretty life changing for me, especially if my monthly take home was in the several thousands. (Right now, I have 15 patrons who pledge a total of… $45/month. I told you my Patreon was long neglected. Let’s change that.)
Now that we have that out of the way…
We’ve officially reached that time of the year known as The Holidays™️, aka a time when, for better or for worse, we’re constantly talking about family. I don’t really feel like talking about the ways bi people are or aren't accepted by their families (though we can definitely address that another day); the thing that’s top of mind for me right now is this question of how bisexuality intersects with the concept of family in the first place.
It is generally understood that queerness disrupts the framework of the hetero nuclear family arranged commonly assumed to be “natural” in modern day America (it’s not, it’s a relatively new creation that's actually pretty poisonous to most people but we’ll set that aside for now). There's a reason why anti-queer bigots have historically referred to their position as “family values”: to be queer is to fundamentally upend the mom, dad, and two point five kids arrangement. If it’s two dads, then who’s the mom; if it’s two moms, then where is the dad? To suggest that one could have a stable, functional family without some “natural” male/female balance is to upset the order that the patriarchy is built on. I think we can all pretty much understand that.
But what of bisexuality? It’s less obvious here, I think, in part because there are some bisexuals who do conform to hetero norms of family*, in the sense of literally participating in a hetero marriage with the appropriate number of children. But I do think there is a threat that bisexuality poses to the order, to the stability, of the “traditional family,” and it’s one worth thinking more about.
Years ago, I was listening to a podcast where a panel of sex experts were answering parents’ questions about sex. One of the parents asked about how to come out as bi to her children, and the expert who answered suggested that this was, perhaps, more of an adult topic — something venturing too deeply into the details of her sex life to actually be appropriate for children. Listening to that, I felt an immediate shock of discomfort. I couldn’t imagine someone telling a gay or lesbian parent that acknowledging their identity to their children would be somehow “adult” — not least because the parent’s identity would be self evident to the child by virtue of, you know, having two moms or two dads. But bisexuality, somehow, required discussion of sex? It couldn’t just be “some people like just boys, some people like just girls, and Mommy likes both,” with no discussion of the dynamics of who inserted what tab into what slot?
That frustration ultimately led me to write a piece about bi parents coming out to their kids. As I note in the piece, the challenge of coming out as bi to your kids is thornier than simply coming out as queer: sure, a bi parent may be in a hetero partnership, but they could also just as easily be in a queer partnership; regardless of the gender of their current partner, a disclosure that they are bisexual is often necessary (unless, of course, they’re in a polycule with people of multiple genders). Bisexuality demands recognition that we are more than who we are in the current moment, that we contain possibilities beyond just what is immediately visible, that even our “forever family” — if we even land on one — may not represent the true whole of our entire self.
And that, I think, is a threat to the very notion most people have of “family,” the very sense that it is a complete unit. You’re not supposed to have needs outside of your family (especially if you’re a woman), but bisexuality presents the possibility that yes, you might, and that even if the married with kids you truly does represent your final form, that there are past versions of you that are no less significant, no less relevant, to the sum total than who you are today. Bisexuality inherently resists the notion of some fixed, complete self that we are all grappling towards, that can only be realized with a single partner and procreation and a home in the suburbs. And frankly? I think that that is pretty great.
* One could argue that there are monosexual queers who also do that but we’re gonna ignore that for now.
Interesting question for you - how would monetizing here be different than monetizing on Patreon? I'm assuming the freedom to have more tiers? Though Substack offers that as well. Is it that Patreon takes less of a percentage than Substack?
I'm asking for two reasons - 1 ) I have a substack newsletter myself. Granted, it's a small footprint, but not insignificant. 2 ) Adding more platforms isn't always the answer, though it may seem like it could be - so I'm often looking at the cost of investment (time, money, my sanity) when I add another platform to the ones I'm already managing.
I haven't looked at Patreon vs Substack. Though if you have a large Patreon following already, I can understand why you would go with that platform, it makes sense.
One of the reasons I chose Substack over Patreon was that I could eventually monetize it if I wanted to. Patreon seems a bit more confusing and not as user friendly -though I do use it to support various creators.
No worries if you don't want to discuss via comments. And it's absolutely your choice. I've enjoyed the newsletter here and hope it continues. You have a right to monetize your work and it has value and should exist.