When I said yesterday that there is no such thing as an “ex-bi” — that to have bisexual attractions at one point in your life is to be bisexual, full stop — I meant it, because I strongly believe that “bisexuality” as a term reflects the entire scope of one’s life, not just who one is (or isn’t) attracted to at any given moment. There have been periods where I was primarily attracted to men, but my history of attraction to women meant my understanding of the world was fundamentally different from that of straight women; there have also been times when I was solely interested in women, but to call myself a “lesbian” nevertheless felt false. Bisexuality, on the other hand, encompasses the entire scope of myself and my lifespan — even if I am not attracted to or interested in multiple genders at any one specific point in time.
However.
There are many different ways of understanding words like “straight” and “bi” and “gay” and “lesbian,” and a major one is about community affiliation. There are people who have queer sexual attractions but consider themselves straight because they are heteroromantic; there are similarly people who ID as gay or lesbian even though they are or have been attracted to people of a different gender than themselves. What’s happening in those instances is generally that people are staking out a corner for themselves: men who have sex with men but ID as straight are straight in the sense that they don’t want to date men and don’t feel romantically attracted to them; “bi lesbians” are lesbians in the sense that they are deeply embedded in lesbian culture and community.
Indeed, a major reason why many people don’t identify as bi is because they either feel like there isn’t a bi community, or because their perception of “the bi community” doesn’t line up with their understanding of themselves.
It was intentional when I said “monosexual” rather than straight or gay or lesbian in that last piece, by the way — and not just because I wanted an easy way to refer to straights and gays in one fell swoop. “Monosexual” is not a community. It is not an identity, not really. Monosexual is a description of sexual attraction: if you are monosexual, you are only attracted to one gender for the span of your entire life. A bisexual, on the other hand — and here I am using the term in the driest, most impersonal way — is someone who has experienced attraction to more than one gender. Monosexuals can identify as straight or gay or lesbian or even queer but fundamentally can never be bi. Bisexuals can identify as straight or gay or lesbian or bi (or pan or omni or queer or any number of other options that crop up from time to time).
I suppose, if you really wanted to, you could be “ex-bi” in the sense of having left “the bi community” for the lesbian or gay or straight one, but that’s … I mean there’s not much of a “bi community” to speak of in the first place, you know? But in that dry, impersonal sense that I was talking about above? You simply cannot be “ex-bi.” It is not possible. Your history of attractions is your history of attractions, and you cannot escape it. Full stop.
Super interesting. I will sleep on it instead of directly commenting what's on my mind. The difference between community vs attraction/behaviour is one I'm really on board with.
In your personal experience, what were the moments in which you felt in touch with a "bi+ community"?
Hi Lux... there's a lot to unpack in this lastest missive, but I can only write from my experience, so...
Like Grouch Marx, I can never be part of a community that would have me as a member. Besides, as much as I do crave a sense of belonging, communities are changing, shifting and reconstituting every hour of every day. So belonging to a "bi" community really doesn't do much for me.
Although, I really enjoy your thoughtful perspectives, so that's a community right there isn't it?