Okay firstly: I’m not really sure how the concept of “spoilers” works when one is talking about a children’s movie based on a long running video game that follows a relatively predictable (though still fun!) plot arc, but if you prefer to go into the Mario movie (sorry, The Super Mario Bros. Movie, I should put some respect on its name) knowing nothing about it, I guess don’t read this essay. Or maybe do, I don’t think I’m about to spoil anything important. Live dangerously, people.
As you have undoubtedly guessed already, I saw the Mario movie this past weekend —on Easter Sunday, specifically, because when you’re Jewish you’re allowed to do that — and it was fun! I probably wouldn’t have gone to see it all by my lonesome, but since my niece and nephew are into Mario, I tagged along when my sister decided to take them, and it was a thoroughly enjoyable intergenerational sibling outing, which feels fitting for a movie that is, at its heart, fundamentally about the strength of sibling bonds.
“But what does this have to do with bisexuality, Lux? Is there some big pansexual orgy greeting us when the team arrives in Cranky Kong’s kingdom? Does Mario wind up in a triad with Toad and Princess Peach? Is there finally justice for all the Luigi mpreg fan artists?”
No. This is a movie for kids, people. Come on.
To be honest, I neither planned nor expected to write about the Mario movie in this newsletter, because a delightful kid movie about the power of friendship and love for your sibling does not really scream Big Bi Energy™️ to me. But then I started seeing all these comments about the right declaring the film’s box office success as a victory for the “anti-woke” contingent and, well, that got some wheels turning. So here we are.
The thing about this idea that the Mario movie is “anti-woke” is that it seems to be rooted in three facts about the film: 1) it stars Chris Pratt (this is probably the strongest argument being made here), 2) the human protagonists are all white (given the source material this isn’t surprising, and honestly the only person who seems miffed about it is John Leguizamo? And he’s more just mad that the voice actors are predominantly white, which… I mean it’s a fair point, casting of Fred Armisen as Cranky Kong aside.), and 3) no one is gay in it.
Okay, number 3 is why I decided to write about this movie in this newsletter.
It’s an interesting statement to make, you know? No one is gay in the Mario movie. I mean, it’s certainly true that there are no tender same gender kisses in the film, that there are no onscreen queer pairings as far as one can tell (I mean all the Toads seem to be boys and I will let you think through the implications of that one for yourself). But at the same time, I would argue that, um, no one is necessarily straight in the movie either? The sole romantic pairing that I can remember is Mario and Luigi’s parents, and they’re not exactly major characters. Beyond the, the primary source of Big Hetero Energy™️ is Bowser, the burly turtle king who obsesses over Princess Peach and agonizes over the possibility that she might like Mario more than she likes him.
And Bowser is, uh, the villain of the movie.
If I had to classify the Mario movie as anything, I’d really say it’s more of an ace/aro movie. The heroes are far more concerned with making friends than wooing lust objects; the only damsel in distress is a scaredy-cat younger sibling who needs his big brother’s help. When romance factors in, it’s as an unwanted intrusion — it’s not that Peach doesn’t want to marry Bowser because she wants to marry Mario. She simply doesn’t want to get married at all. (Also, notably, the only people who “end up together” in the film are… Mario and Luigi.)
And so it’s interesting to me to see anyone might read this utter blank slate of a movie — a movie where the only person coded with any kind of sexuality at all is the bad guy — as straight. It speaks volumes, doesn’t it? A movie set up so that anyone could project their own sexual and romantic interests onto it — a movie where you could just as readily see Mario and Donkey Kong bedding down as Mario and Peach, a movie where you could easily see all the protagonists as ace/aro — is inherently a straight movie, because straight is the default and must be overlaid on to any undefined spaces. For a movie to be queer it must have active evidence of queer attraction, for a movie to be ace/aro the characters must… I dunno, give a monologue about how sex and dating sound yucky? And, of course, for a character to be #ConfirmedBisexual they must have, not just attractions to multiple people of multiple genders, but equal screen time for all and probably end up in a triad, right?
Anyway. The Mario movie! It’s cute! Lots of fun references to the various video games that have come out over the past 30+ years, many of which I didn’t really get because my knowledge of Mario games pretty much ends with Super Mario Bros. 3. Also I think we owe it to ourselves to start loudly championing this film as a beautiful representation of LGBTQIA+ people. I mean if straight folks can insist that Mario is straight despite absolutely no evidence of that, why can’t we insist the reverse?
So, 1.) I am glad to be back - weeks ago I thought I was unsubscribing from email updates of your posts when in fact I guess I just unsubscribed all together. I kept wondering if you were taking a break or if my Substack was just broken. Thankfully Erica Moen mentioned your newsletter and I thought ya know, I really gotta investigate. This, I'm resubscribed. 😅 And 2.) I read this headline and thought omg wait the SNL sketch wasn't joking that Yoshi and Toad are bi?! If you haven't seen it, you gotta watch. I haven't seen The Last Of Us which it's parodying, but I makes me howl with laughter. Just YouTube search SNL Mario kart.