I saw a tweet a while back — maybe a few months ago? It doesn’t really matter — that was something along the lines of, “I think it’s so great that all those bi girls who say they are attracted to every woman and one man manage to find that one man to date.” (I could look up the actual tweet to make sure I have the wording correctly, but I don’t feel like it and any way you get the gist.)
Before we go any further, I should note that I’m not really a fan of that whole, “I’m bisexual which means I’m attracted to every woman and one man” line; personally, I don’t find it particularly cute or funny. I mean I get what it’s going for — women are beautiful but sometimes you fall for a dude! — but on the other hand there’s something vaguely humanizing, dare I say almost sexist, about the framing? It flattens women into one undifferentiated category, attractive purely through our shared “womanness,” while allowing whatever lucky dude a woman has fallen for to be an individual person, unique amongst the broad category of men.
(Also: every woman? Every woman? Really?)
But despite my distaste for that “every woman/one man” line, I have to admit I found the tweet pushing back on it even more irritating. It was partly because it was just transparently biphobic with its whole “wink, wink, nudge, nudge, we all know ‘bi’ girls are actually straight” vibe. But also, like —
Okay, look. Over three years ago, I had this “well I know I’m bisexual but am I homoromantic?” moment of awakening that led me to swear off dating men and explicitly pursue dating women. At the time I assumed that simply setting an intention to date women would magically open up a whole new dating pool to me, and yet… it did not. Some of this was due to the fact that, you know, I was in the middle of a pandemic; some of it was due to the fact that I was in my late thirties (now forty) and had higher standards when it came to who I wanted to pursue in the first place. Oh and then there was the fact that none of the women I found myself attracted to and interested in reciprocated that attraction or interest.
Which is why — much as I detest that every woman/one man line — I honestly have a lot of empathy for bi women who find themselves primarily attracted to women and yet in a relationship with a man. Your attraction to, your desire for, someone does not guarantee that they will return that attraction and desire. If the sole dude you are interested in returns your affections when a whole parade of women you adore don’t, are you supposed to, I dunno, refuse to date that man simply on principle?
The thing I come back to repeatedly, which I know I have said here before but might as well say again, is that life is short and happiness is fleeting and if you like someone and they like you then why not pursue it? Who cares what gender they are, what genitals they have — they like you and you like them and that’s really all that matters, right?
I mean, personally, that’s what I thought this whole queer liberation thing was supposed to be about.
It’s certainly what it was about for me.
Love the Monty Python reference. I hope you're having a nice day.