When I first started writing this newsletter, there were a number of questions I anticipated getting, like, “Why are you doing this?” “A whole newsletter just about how you’re not a cheater and you don’t want threesomes?” and, of course, “Bisexual? Why not pansexual?”
What I did not expect, however, was how many non-bisexuals would ask me if it was okay for them to subscribe to this newsletter; if it was for bisexual eyes only or if it was okay if they read it too.
And like — well there are a couple of answers to that. The first, crasser answer is that I’m a writer trying to make a living writing about this topic so I want as big an audience as possible; frankly, the more subscribers I have the more impressive I look. While I’d prefer that all my subscribers read every newsletter I write and take my words deeply to heart, I also know that, you know, a big platform looks impressive regardless of how engaged my individual subscribers are. Come one, come all, etc and so forth.
But there’s also a second, much more thoughtful answer, which is that — while I am emphatically writing first and foremost for other bisexuals, to give them a new perspective on their experiences and help them hate themselves a little less — I think that reading about, thinking about, bisexuality and biphobia is good for everyone. Part of that is because in better understanding what bisexuals go through, you yourself can unpack your own biphobia and toss it into the trash. But it’s also because I think that understanding how biphobia works as a social oppression can help you better understand your own sexuality, even if you yourself are not bisexual.
I mean maybe it’s because I am a bisexual myself but I have always felt entitled to read the perspectives of a wide range of people from a wide range of sexual orientations. I move through the straight world so I might as well know how straight people think, I’m very much queer so queer narratives are for me, too. But honestly even perspectives that are not “about” me or speaking directly to me have always felt worthwhile to engage with and understand: young me was very interested in learning more about gay male culture; and as an adult, I’ve found learning about ace* experiences and perspectives to be incredibly enlightening, helping me understand the nuances of my own attractions and desires even as I am emphatically not ace.
And to me, I mean — the things I want as a bisexual, the things I want for bisexuals, feel like things that ultimately benefit everyone, be they straight, gay, lesbian, bi, ace, or something else entirely. I want to live in a world where people are not defined by who they are attracted to or how they form their relationships. I want to live in a world where no one has to have a panic attack or identity crisis because they find themselves interested in a kind of sexual or romantic experience that feels out of sync with what they’ve wanted in the past. I want to live in a world where we can just figure out who we are from moment to moment, where the experiences that feel good for the person we are now are the experiences that are right for us. I want to live in a world where sexual orientation is understood to be one of the most boring aspects of a person’s self, where it’s understood to not actually tell you much of anything about who they are as a person.
And — delusional as I may be — I don’t think that’s a world that bisexual people can build alone. I don’t think that’s a world bi people should have to build alone. I think it’s a world that requires other people to be invested in bi issues, and bi rights. And while I don’t think this newsletter alone is going to be the force that radicalizes folks that creates a critical mass of bi allies, well… I do think it’s a start.
* Asexual
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🌈 well said.